It Takes a Woman to Make a Man

“We’re going to have to let you go.”

“Why?”

“We don’t need you here any longer.”

I’d never been to a place like this. The man led me to a small room with a bench for me to sit on and white glaring walls. He told me to wait. They would be right in, he said. I had no idea how any of it worked. My heart was racing. I felt a little sick.

What the hell am I supposed to do now? The train ride back was quiet. I had enough savings to last a few weeks.

The first girl came in. She wore a black dress, long plastic nails, and a plastic smile. She sat across from me looking confident.

“Hi, I’m Laura. I’m a very open person and I like to try new things,” she went on about herself, but I couldn’t get past how hard she tried to be liked. It didn’t feel real, “So, do you have any questions?” she said.

“Uh no”

She stood up, smiled again, and walked away. I’m sure she rolled her eyes as she turned her back to me.

It felt quick. I recoiled, unsure of what just happened.

I made it to my street. Winter winds gave way to the coming spring. Leafless branches drooped down in front of me and flowers looked to bloom. I opened the rusted gate, past the bricked wall, and up the stairs to my apartment. It was freezing inside, everything insulated by the bricks.

The next girl came in.

“Hi, I’m Bethany,” she sat down, “I like to get down to business and have a little fun.” She seemed nice but very ditzy. She reminded me of a little girl. She had heavy makeup like she was trying to look older and pigtails draping over her shoulders. She like to let the last syllable of every word linger just a little too long.

She got to the end of her introduction, “Do you have any questions for me?”

I shook my head.

She smiled and walked away.

Maybe this is a good thing. I can spend my time writing and reading. It’ll be good to take a break. This is a good thing, I reassured myself. Hollow steps rang across the empty apartment and echoed back from the gray walls. I reached for my collection of books and picked up the heavy one with the red cover. The weight felt good in my hands. I sat down on my bed and the mattress rolled against the wall.

The next one that came in was gorgeous, but she was so skinny. She looked like she hardly ate. I felt sorry for her. I shook my head right as she walked in. She froze. Her lips curled into a sad countenance. She sighed and turned around. I really felt bad.

The next girl had dark hair draping over her forehead, just above the eyebrows. She must have been in her mid-30’s. I wondered how she looked when she was younger. Had she grown to be beautiful or was this her state of decay? Her dress was silver and sparkling with glitter. She had an alluring sway to her step. She sat down and studied me. I had turned away many of the girls already.

“Hello, darling, I’m Caroline,” she said, “I want to take care of you. I want you to feel special tonight and let everything wash away, and for you to relax.”

I wanted to believe her, but I shook my head. She looked confused and gave up.

The man walked in again.

“That was all of them”, he said, “did you like any of them?”.

I wanted to ask to see them all again or to have them all lined up but that felt demeaning.

“Can I have a moment?”

Dark brown in the bottle sitting on the windowsill. I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t find a reason to stop myself. What did it matter anyway? So what if it was the morning? I didn’t have anything to do tomorrow.

The last girl. She was pretty.

Another glass of whiskey

She seemed like she cared.

Maybe I’ll go by the shop and buy another bottle.

I stood up and went to the front desk, “Excuse me. The girl in the silver dress. Her.”

“The girl in the silver dress? What was her name?”

“I forgot”

Only 5 PM and I’m still awake. I should go out tonight. I stepped into the shower and the warm water turned scalding hot and the room turned steamy. I closed my eyes under the stream and felt the heat wash over me. It felt like it was all I needed, the heat, the warmth. Eventually the hot water started to run out and the colder water accompanied me and sobered me. I decided I was thirsting for another drink.

I started shaking. I couldn’t even find a woman I liked. I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to go anywhere. The girl in the silver dress, she had a reassuring smile, after all. Maybe she’s what I need.

Swaying and stumbling in my empty room, dressed up to wander the night I smoked a cigarette and watched the smoke in the dimming sunlight. How beautiful it looked, caressed by the sun, slowly shifting until it vanished and only the light remained and even that would slowly vanish. How quickly things came and went.

“I think she just had another customer. Would you like a drink, we can send the girls back into the room?”

“Sure.”

Dejected, I sat back down, sighing a heavy sigh wondering what the hell I should do next. If I couldn’t have her, what was the point?

The man showed up at the door with a sly look, “Is this her?”

I looked over and she was dripping with sensuality, her face had a look so sure of herself, so certain that I wanted her, like she knew I would come back begging.

“Yes, that’s her”

I stepped out the door into the cold night with nothing to carry me but my own feet, nothing to look forward to except what I could make of it. In a way I was almost hopeful but really, I just needed something, anything besides the four walls I was cooped up in all day. I smoked another cigarette and listened to the beat of my steps making their way to somewhere, anywhere. It was Wednesday. Most people didn’t have much going on today. I needed sound, music, laughter, anything but silence. I wanted someone to talk to and to drink with and to work this out. That would make it better.

“Come with me”, she said, and turned around with that delicate sway she boasted. Almost tripping over myself I took my steps following hers and started to tremble and shake. I was really doing it. My breath became short but I had come this far. She led me to the front desk.

“How long would you like to spend with Ms. Caroline?”

“One hour”

I paid the man. I didn’t want to think about how much I spent. None of it mattered. I was terrified but exhilarated by her. She was worth it.

A long line filled with people waiting to go into a small bar. It seemed perfect. I stepped into the line giddy with who I might meet inside. For all I knew the love of my life was waiting past the door, or maybe in the very line we shared. I traded steps, shifting side to side to keep myself warm, when I saw him, a co-worker, or ex-co-worker.

I waved and smiled.

Nothing.

Maybe he didn’t see me?

I called out his name.

He gave me a half-baked smile and turned around quickly distracting himself with his group.

“What a dick. Can you believe this guy?” I said to the person in front of me.

“Why?”

“That guy works with me, won’t even look at me.”

“No. Why do you think I care. Leave me alone.”

We walked up the stairs through the dimly lit place. Her high heels clicked on every step and the sway never left. It was getting hard to breathe. This didn’t feel like me. This wasn’t something I would do. I felt wrong but I couldn’t turn back. Not now. I was sliding down a hill with a rope by my side but I wanted to see what was at the bottom.

She asked me a question.

“What was that?” I said.

We got up the stairs and into the long hallway with closed doors and I could hear the moaning and creaking of beds and grunting. We kept walking until she found her room and we walked in. It was freezing inside. I started shivering harder.

“Oh, darling. Are you cold?”

“I’m alright.”

“Well, don’t you worry. I’m going to take care of you. I’m just going to need to check you to see if everything is fine.”

She went over to me and I was standing there, shaking. She reached for the button on my jeans and unhooked it, smiling at me, and slid down my pants slowly.

“You’re gonna be alright, babe. Don’t worry about it. Relax, breathe.”

I did.

She pulled my briefs down and bent down to her knees and inspected me. I didn’t dare look.

“Looks like you’re good to go.”

Almost an hour in the line and I wanted to go home. I was so damned drunk and tired. I couldn’t keep up. I decided to stay. Going home meant being alone. I braved the crowd and the long line until we made it into the place. It was shoulder-to-shoulder, almost impossible to maneuver without bumping into someone.

I said about a thousand ‘sorry’s’ trying to get to the bar. Two rum and coke doubles and a shot of tequila. Behind the bar, where all the bottles stood was a mirror. I stared at myself and saw how grim I looked. I was being squeezed on both sides by taller men and hands reached over my shoulders to pay for drinks and I stood there, grim and serious, staring at myself while everyone was rowdy and giddy.

“What’s the matter with you?” said the guy next to me.

“Had a rough day.”

“Here let me buy you a drink. Company card,” he winked.

That lifted my spirits. His drink came before mine.

“Here you go. Cheer up guy.” He turned around and cheered and hollered going back to his group of friends and spilled the drink he gave me. The rum soaked my jeans and I reeked of liquor, more so than before.

My drinks came. I took the shot and carried my drinks to the corner of the bar that seemed quieter. There were chairs and sofas and an empty seat waiting for me. I sat down and sipped on my drink staring at everyone having a great time, laughing, and dancing, and even the people sitting around me seemed engaged and thrilled by their conversation. I tuned it all out and drank.

Some pretty girls smiled at me as they walked by and I smiled back. I waited for one of them to sit down next to me, someone to change everything, I just wanted someone to care, but I just kept drinking.

Eventually I looked over at the girl sitting a few seats away. She was very into her conversation. I was too drunk to care.

“Excuse me, miss. What’s your name?”

She rolled her eyes and said her name.

“You having a good time tonight?” I said.

She nodded, without looking away from her friend.

“What were you guys talking about?”

“Oh, nothing. We were just leaving.”

She told me to lay down on the bed. She asked me what I liked. I didn’t know. I had a rough day, I told her. I just don’t want to think anymore. We can do that, she said.

I sat there for hours, in the same place, going only to the bar and to the bathroom for a really long piss. And then it was time for the place to close. We were herded outside, and I felt so empty. So many people around me, people I could speak to, if only I knew how.

She carefully slipped her dress off and it fell like it was sorry to depart from her body. And she moved next to me and nuzzled into my shoulder and put her hand onto my chest and started caressing me. She sighed and slid her fingers across my chest and my stomach, “You’re very handsome, you know.”

I scoffed.

“No, really!”

I tried not to breathe so heavy, my breath reeked of liquor and cigarette smoke.

She kept moving her hands up and down across my upper body, every time moving further and further down.

She kept complimenting me, but it felt sincere, even though she knew nothing about me. She asked about my life and I answered and little by little the tension slowly eased. I didn’t tremble anymore. I didn’t shake. I didn’t feel sick. I felt safe and comfortable and I had a beautiful woman next to me who gave me all the attention in the world.

She played with her fingers drawing shapes with her soft skin against mine, never reaching my groin but always dancing around it and every time she did, I secretly wanted her to get closer and closer.

We kept the talk light.

I felt the blood going to my groin and the pressure building there. It was getting harder to answer her questions and to focus on what she was saying. All I could think about was her hand, the finger, the playful finger that did what I wanted it to do until it didn’t but kept getting closer and closer each time.

Without ever touching me there she had me more aroused than I had been in my whole life.

“Do you want to have sex?” she asked.

The question confused me. That was what I came for after all, but it almost didn’t feel like what I knew it actually was.

I nodded.

She climbed on top of me and I slid into her. The warmth, the rush of pleasure from the building was coursing through my entire body, right from the beginning, until she slowly eased herself all the way down and she rested her hands on my chest moaning pleasurably until she relaxed and I was entirely inside of her.

It started slowly, building speed, every time moaning, rolling her eyes, and I struggled to hold on, to make it last.

We thrusted together, time after time, lost in space, forgetting the world around me, forgetting everything and anything that ever mattered and existed solely within each other and our every movement, the touching of her skin, her hot breath against my neck, her lips against mine, her breasts pressed against me, her hair flying up and down in ecstatic pleasure.

When it was over, I laid down on my stomach, exhausted, and we laughed.

I felt so sleepy, utterly spent from the entire day, the lovemaking, everything.

I sighed a deep and heavy sigh, and she used her magical hands to run her fingers across my back, drawing and sketching away at my back with those delightful fingers.

All I wanted was to feel like I was worth a damn.

A woman finally made me feel like a man and all I had to do was pay her.

And when my hour was up, I thanked her profusely, she kissed me on the cheek, and I stumbled out of the place. Cigarette in my mouth, I wandered the streets until I found my way back home to my bed where I laid there alone. I looked up at the shadows dancing on the ceiling from the rustling branches and the wind whistling and I fell into a deep and restless sleep.