Thanksgiving Surprise

I couldn’t help it when it happened. I really did try. There is just always so much pressure on Thanksgiving. With your immediate and extended family all gathered together there’s certain behavioral expectations that are placed on you by your parents: Dress in your best, watch your language, respect your Uncles and aunts, be a role model for your little cousins, etc., ect., ect. Overall just don’t embarrass them as my Mom likes to say. As the oldest between my sister Julie and I, as well as the oldest kid at this particular family Thanksgiving I was supposed to be the shining example they said. However I didn’t want to be on my best behavior for them. This year I wanted to be seen in a different light.

I wanted to show my family that I was mature, responsible, grown up. I wanted to be seen as an adult at future family reunions. I wanted that spot at the grown up table. It has been some time now that my eyes have wandered to the adult table at family gatherings. My curiosity peaked as I watch them laugh and drink their wine. I wanted to know what they were talking about, how it felt to partake in the adult festivities. Anything would be better than the dribble of my younger cousins between fists full of food to the face. Tonight was my audition of sorts. This was my chance to prove once and for all I deserved to be at the adult table. At the beginning of the day I would never have expected it was me that was going to ruin Thanksgiving.

My extended family that was visiting on this Thanksgiving included my Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Eleanore. Uncle Jimmy was your stereotypical jolly, overweight Cop with a thick. mustache that had an affinity for shitty magic tricks and too much whiskey at family gatherings. Aunt Eleanore was a stay at home mom with a tired demeanor that had hair grown out long past her hips. She would usually sneak funny cigarettes at various points during these family events and I think we were all supposed to pretend that we didn’t notice she reeked of devil grass every time she came back from “getting some air”. Uncle James and Aunt Eleanore had three kids. All boys. Each one worst than the next. There were the thirteen year old twins, Bill and Ted (Yes named after the 80’s classic. A fact my Uncle Jimmy never failed to bring up and laugh hysterically at) and the youngest Dale, age 10. All three loved to wrestle, roughhouse, break shit, and just plain raise hell. I actually don’t blame my Aunt and Uncle for numbing themselves for these family meetings. Their kids were lost causes.

My job was to watch the kids outside while my mom slaved over the Thanksgiving feast which was easy enough because they were more preoccupied with each other than me. From outside I could smell all the aromas of the feast to come. There was the delightful smell of sweet potatoes in the air, followed not too long after was the hint of my moms famous green bean casserole. I could imagine all of it right before me. The cornbread, the cranberry sauce, all of it begging to put me into that heavenly Thanksgiving food coma. Then there it was: the smell of the turkey coming out of the oven. That mouthwatering aroma of the giant turkey jam packed with Moms homemade stuffing meant the time had come. Dinner time.

The night was almost over and I thought that I had done enough to secure my place at the adult table for the next family holiday. I had pulled out all the stops and it seemed to have worked. The compliments from my aunt and the constant thumbs up or back slaps from my uncle seemed to reassure me of my success. I just had to make it through the last little bit of dinner and I’d be golden.

Unfortunately for me I seemed to underestimate the evil nature of my little cousins. Dale in particular. I had been seated next to the little demon for our thanksgiving feast and for a majority of the time I was able to stomach his disgusting eating habits. The disregard for forks and knives didn’t bother me. His shoeless foot that always seemed to be up on the table at inopportune times right next to me didn’t gross me out, and I was able to ignore the use of his hands as ladles to scoop gravy and cranberry sauce onto his plate. However, I wasn’t ready for Dales next crude surprise.

I didn’t notice when Dale scooped a wad of spit onto his pointer finger. I didn’t even notice when he sat up on his knees and faced me. I noticed when that warm wad of pre teen saliva entered my ear. It wasn’t the fact that I got a wet willy that made me do it. I’ve had wet willies hundreds of times. It was the smell of it all. All of those delicious smells that I had experienced before our Thanksgiving dinner had somehow been twisted and mutated in Dale’s mouth and had come out as something I didn’t recognize. Gone were all of the earlier comfort smells and instead was this vial creation that Dale’s body had created inside of himself.

When the smell hit me I immediately knew what was going to happen. The scent made me gag when it hit my throat and my stomach immediately followed. Shortly after my own mutated creation from Thanksgiving dinner was laid out before me. And on me. I looked up at my sister Julie in front of me who looked at me and then looked down at the retch in front of me. She hesitated for a moment, looked at me in the eyes and then proceeded to vomit her own Thanksgiving dinner onto our kids table. Then one by one the cousins followed suit.

Ted then Bill and finally Dale all discharged their meals one by one onto the table.

When it was all over and the smoked had cleared I finally worked up the nerve to look at the adult table. All four of them stared in disbelief at what they had just witnessed. I could only imagine what the carnage looked like to them from the outside looking in. However their faces and slack jaws seemed to let me know what was going on in their heads.

I took my napkin from my lap and used the little bit that wasn’t covered in vomit to wipe my mouth then politely excused myself. The night was over and all the hard work was for nothing. I don’t think I’ll be getting that adult table invitation when the whole family gets together for Christmas.