her blue sky (no reposts)

you know i’m not the one for love poems or things like that, because i think something like that is a little too much for me to ever express using any words. even now, i’m having a little trouble writing this because everything i’m supposed to say, i hope you know already.

but just in case you don’t—

we met when summer leaned into our bodies. i think i fought with a ball of hydrogen to welcome you in, do you remember? i hope you weren’t scared away or taken aback; that’s the effect i tend to have. and i admit, it took me awhile to really stick to you. your writing reminded me of myself; it was a little like a mole that popped up once and disappeared after that. i guess i met you one day but couldn’t find it in myself to follow you until weeks had passed. but watching your words jump off the page, paint the skies with stars, it was all i could do to come crawling back.

(and you probably didn’t know, but i was a little jealous of you. of you and your talent, the gorgeous things you wrote from the get-go. i admired you so much.)

things changed after that. june deflated like a party balloon and all of a sudden, everything was gone. i know it sounds stupid, but i think i was tricked into coming here by the wedding bells. still, i’d never regret it. you came a little bit after me, and i hope that i welcomed you in well enough. “fresh meat” didn’t really stick, not when we were all in the same boat now. we were still lingering at a distance back then, but at least i knew you were close.

(i had always kept an eye on you. even when you didn’t see me, i was always there.)

and you’re right, it was you that reached out first but me that responded first, galloping to our dms. something about a show, a future that wasn’t ours but still lied in our hands. i think that was our introductory phase, when we wrote each other long blocks of text because we yearned to know each other. i yearned to know you, i yearned to talk to you, and i awaited all of your messaged with fervor, waiting for you to finish talking, typing out my responses long after i knew you were asleep. it was amateurish but it was fun. it was so fun.

(and you might know this, but i felt so so alone back then. but suddenly, you were there, and i wasn’t anymore.)

you invited me first, again, and i thought you were amazing for doing what you did. more miles we moved, to a more convenient place where i could see your messages as soon as they were sent. and i was so excited because at the end of the month, i’d finally be able to talk out loud to the people i admired and loved. i looked forward to meeting you, except it came much more quickly. your eyes and your hair. your pictures and your videos. i kept it all here, bouncing my leg when for the first time, i was able to hear your voice. then, you were able to see me. maybe i’m more talkative than you thought, maybe i’m too talkative and you think i’m annoying, but i was so glad to be able to finally inch closer to a picture of you. i worry, but you’re always there. i hope you’re always here.

(and your singing, god, i probably made a fool of myself.)

lastly—the things i was able to share with you that i couldn’t tell anyone else. and i don’t want to make it about myself—even though it’s a little too late to say that—but i know i can’t go around doing whatever i want. i was distraught once, maybe even miserable, but then i was able to tell everything to you. and i don’t know if you hate it or not, but i feel like i can let down my guard when i’m around you. really, i just keep running back to that place where you’re waiting. i can’t say too much, but i’m thankful. i’m so so thankful that you’re here. from back then to now, i’m thankful.

(you can tell me anything, i promise. i’ll stay by your side for as long as it takes.)

it’s your fifteenth year, and i might have to go respecting you again. it’s far too close to mine, but maybe that’s the happiness in it. i know this is just a disorganized ramble, but i love you far too much to be poetic about it. and you probably overthink a lot of things, but simply, i’m always here.

happy birthday.