talking to myself

There’s this urge in me to stand on rooftops and wail my insecurities

and make it so the world can see just how miserable my mind can make me

sometimes I want to tell each person that I care about why I don’t deserve them

and make it known the problems that I have with how we interact

and I often force the issue letting my mind bleed all over the place

spattering the once clean tapestry of how I know a person

with little bits of paranoia and self-loathing

which sometimes dye the fabric in ways that can’t be changed

(despite the fact that it seems to make things a little bit more interesting)

because what I sometimes deem as honesty

might actually be toxicity, wherein I am self-sabotaging

because I am not satisfied and I want to make that known.

It makes me feel so frustrated sometimes

because it feels good (in ways) to act this way

to force vulnerability and stretch relationships like putty

so that a person sees exactly what I want them to see in me

as if their understanding could in some way be healing

even though I’m not too sure these days that I need to be repaired

it feels nice to know that if I make it so, someone will care

about the things in me that everybody on earth goes through

that I might feel a little less alone, to me, that’s comfort.

It’s a lot of work to see life as one constant opportunity

cuz the way I want to make decisions does not come to me naturally

and I get caught in being far more open then accepting

and the complex spider-webby spiral that ensues is overwhelming

cuz I’ve always taken each and every thought I’ve noticed seriously

and wrapped the way I think into what I called my identity

and now I no longer want to live my life in that way

so the times in which I notice that I’m doing that are frustrating

which if I don’t respond to that feeling in a way that makes it useful

all it does is fuel the fire as more data on my actions

I’m aware of this, it’s just hard to contend with sometimes.

I think I think too much about the way I think my thoughts are.