Holding on

This year, I--like many--learned just how often one's plan for the future can become a joke to circumstance. I never expected that March 13, 2020 would be the last day of my conventional childhood. I never expected to graduate high school within the confines of the family SUV. I never expected to pursue my degree alone in my house. I never expected to feel so numb, doing it alone.

But when the numbness begins to creep in and I can't seem to find motivation, I turn to my dream, my aspiration. And it gives me something to cling onto--a reason to be excited about life itself.

So, here's my dream: I want to be a linguist. I don't even know where it'll take me, but I want to study language. I want to learn every language I can, and then some. Maybe I'll end up a translator or a professor or a Spanish teacher--I have no idea yet, but that never fazes me. All I know is that I want to live and breathe foreign language for the rest of my life.

As cliché as it sounds, talking about language makes me feel alive like nothing else. It’s a wonder to me—somehow, humans naturally use this intense web of sounds, grammar, slang, etiquette, and so much more in order to communicate. And they do it flawlessly. To me, it's living, breathing art.

Not only is language beautiful to me, but it's so, so important. I believe that cultural ignorance is the root of oppression, and that language is key to combating it. One thing that learning foreign languages has taught me is that language is a window into a different culture. The way the words and sentences are structured shows the history of the speaker population, and things like slang, honorifics, and even vocabulary convey cultural values in a way that just can’t be translated.

In a country where monolingualism is the norm, I feel it’s crucial to perpetuate and support linguistics, because it’s more than just the study of language—it’s the study of empathy.

I also just find grammar absolutely fascinating. Stringing together sentences with new rules that I'm still learning is just enjoyable to me. Especially when I think about actually using those sentences to talk with people.

So when I feel numb or without purpose, I go back to what I love. Even if it isn't in a productive way. If I'm too unmotivated to keep teaching myself Mandarin, then I'll just watch a youtube video on linguistics or listen to a Spanish song. Even if my dream doesn't make me motivated every day, it brings me happiness, and knowing that it will never fade brings me comfort. That's all I need for now. I have my dream, and I'm pursuing it at my own pace. I know I'll get there someday.