Two Incompetent Fools

Two incompetent fools. That’s what they were. Oh, and doppelgangers too. It is truly interesting to note how much they were similar, even if they were on different ends of the spectrum. Believe me, they were very similar. Their greatest similarity; their idiocy...

How did they meet? How did their lives cross? Well, it started on December 31. It was Saturday evening, and Cynwrig was casually walking down the beach, enjoying the fireworks.

Suddenly, they came pouring from different buildings and surrounded him. Armed Response arrested him. To his great confusion, since he had a very clean record. And yet, there he was placed at the other side of the table, facing the accuser. And he was charged with a petty crime; stealing two boxes of candy, three boxes of fireworks, and somebody’s leather jacket.

Honestly, if I wanted to steal something, I would have gone to more effort than just stealing...such silly stuff!! He pleaded. But, they didn’t believe him. And he was thrown into the cold cell...He hit the floor and sank into despair.

“I did not! I immediately sat up straight and planned my escape, and how I was going to catch the real criminal.”

Shush it, Cynwrig! I’m telling the story here. And don’t lie. It’s a trait most unbecoming. As I was saying, he hit the floor and sank into despair. He folded his arms around his legs and he cried like a baby for an hour or so.

Somewhere far off, he later heard the countdown for New Year. 3, 2, 1...The fireworks exploded into the night sky.

He finally picked himself up from the floor and trudged to the barred window. Longingly, he stared out. Suddenly, the whole world started shaking. He fell to the ground, huddling against the power of the earthquake.

The earthquake broke his prison wall, setting him free. He was incredibly lucky, I know. But, it happened. He jumped up, rushed over the debris, and disappeared into the night, laughing maniacally.

“It was not maniacally. It was victoriously!”

Shush it! Please excuse him. He has no manners. As I was stating, he disappeared into the night, laughing MANIACALLY.

He kept running, his thoughts shifting between just disappearing, or trying to find his doppelganger. He realized (somewhere in the dimness of his mind) that he wouldn’t be able to walk the streets without having his name cleared.

Seeing as he was very unfit, he quickly tired of the running, and he had to slow down to a snail-paced walk. He dragged his feet for an hour, his choices still playing in the back of his mind. Then, he heard the sirens behind him. He was in the middle of a well-lit street, the lights glaring down on him.

Frantically, he ran up the one house’s pathway. Without knocking, he rushed through the door, right into the living room. A gray-haired woman looked up, her hands stilling and her knitted work falling to the ground. Her eyes grew big and round, and then she screamed. Well, yelled. Her vocal chords were too worn for actual screaming.

Cynwrig stumbled over his feet, before a vase was flung at his head. He tripped into the kitchen, rolling onto the table, and falling on his nose when he rolled off the other side. Groaning, he rose, suddenly hearing the sirens stopping outside of the house.

He pushed through the kitchen door, trying to stop the bleeding of his nose. He missed a step and tumbled over the watering hose, which resulted in his crashing through the neighbor’s hedge. He lost his footing and fell headfirst into the swimming pool.

Gasping for air, he panicked, yelling out for help. Yes, he was panicking, seeing as he cannot swim.

“That’s not -”

Stop it, right now! I want to finish this story very quickly, so zip it, Cynwrig. Excuse me...Where was I? Oh, right. Our hero was busy drowning. Until he finally got tired of kicking (it took him about twenty seconds before he tired of it), and he put his feet down. And he stood up, realizing that the water barely reached to the lower part of his ribcage.

Blushing, he -

“I did not!”

BLUSHING, he quickly hurried out and into the house.

He rounded the corner and stepped into the living room.

Stay right there, or the living daylights will be blasted out of you! A voice commanded him to a standstill. He froze, and waited. A light flicked on, and there HE was. The true criminal. He was wearing a leather jacket (yes, the stolen one) and he was munching on some candies, while his right hand was holding a gun. This weapon was focused on Cynwrig.

Our hero realized his dilemma. And our villain realized his own. If Cynwrig moved, he would be dead with just one shot. But, if Cynwrig moved, he would realize that he was actually in a very favorable position.

Well, of course, he didn’t know it yet. But, he felt like being a hero. So, he took his chances (he’s an idiot, but fortunately he made his move in this case).

A black cat jumped onto the sofa next to the villain, and he was momentarily distracted, stretching out to pet his...well, pet. Cynwrig rushed forward and lunged at our villain.

And our villain...He screamed...Like a girl.

“I did not! I was startled, but I did not scream!”

Don’t you start too, Clay. You screamed. You screamed so loudly and so shrilly that the police was immediately drawn to the two of you.

Now, Clay screamed. And then the two started rolling on the ground, trying to overpower each other. Cynwrig was trying to strangle Clay. Clay was biting at Cynwrig’s neck and shoulders. I will not attempt to explain the taste of fabric and flesh. Truly, I find this matter very disgusting...

Suddenly, the front door was kicked open.

Armed Response! What’s the distress? It rang through the hallway. Clay immediately let go of Cynwrig and rushed away. He dove through his window, into his backyard, and fell flat on his nose. Breaking it...

“And Cynwrig realized that it was hero time, so -”

Stop that! Cynwrig...Well, Cynwrig realized that he was still a wanted man, but that he had only so much time to clear his name. He noticed the gun and picked it up. He rushed to the window, and just as he was about to jump out, the forces swarmed into the room.

Stop right there! You are under arrest! Throw the gun to the side, and raise your arms! Cynwrig turned and pointed at them, pulling the trigger. Nothing happened. He stared at the item in his hand, as if to think it back to working condition. An impossible task, actually, considering that it was not loaded.

He yelled, throwing his hands into the air and then diving out of the window. The bullets flew over his head. Panicked, he didn’t even look where he was going. He just got back onto his feet and rushed ahead. And then he,

“He noticed Clay and dove him to the ground, valiantly capturing the criminal. So, he got pardoned and -”

Cynwrig Carlton-Smith, stop it right now! I am telling the story here. Go sit in the corner with your index finger on your lips!

“Please don’t make me do that!”

Go! Now!

Okay, now that we have some peace again; don’t you dare start, Clay! So, Cynwrig wasn’t looking where he was going and barged ahead, bumping his head into something solid. Suddenly, he fell forward, on top of Clay...Into the swimming pool. Both idiots shot up again very quickly, gasping and crying out for help.

The Armed Response Force exited the house, surprised to see two identical-looking people panicking in a swimming pool (that they can actually stand up straight in!). Unsure of what to do, they decided to arrest both. But Cynwrig would have nothing of it (he recovered first). He jumped onto Clay’s back, almost drowning the poor guy.

Here! Here is the crook! I caught him for you! He yelled and wove with his one free hand. Clay started tugging at the clamp around his neck.

You liar! You are the crook! I’m an honest citizen! He desperately tried to save his hide. The leader of the forces stepped forward, unsure of the protocol that he was supposed to follow in this situation.

Okay...I have a question for you two. The one that gets it right gets to walk out of the swimming pool freely. He then decided. Both eagerly looked up.

At what time does McGinty’s pub open? He asked, and glanced down at his watch. Both stared at him, dumbfounded for a bit. Neither one of them expected such a question. Come on! At what time does McGinty’s pub open?

“Let’s stop the story already. This is getting too long.”

Oh, stop it, Clay. You just don’t want everybody to hear how you answered the question like only a fool could.

“I did-”

Shh!!!

Uh...11pm? Cynwrig offered, slowly letting go off his hold.

You idiot! McGinty’s open at 10pm. It says so clearly, on the notice in the window! Do you never pay attention to your surroundings?! Why, I can even remember the note underneath the time. “No cops allowed!” Yes, that’s what it says, you fool! Clay snarled out.

Very good! You, sir, are free to exit the swimming pool. The chief said pleased. Smiling all-knowingly, Clay exited the swimming pool and approached the chief. With one swift motion, the chief stepped forward and cuffed Clay.

What?! This wasn’t the deal! He screamed furiously.

Ah, but I was trying to find the criminal, sir. And the store that was robbed was right across McGinty’s pub. They saw you standing on that street corner for hours, and surely you looked around you a lot. Only somebody who was looking around a lot would have paid so much attention to a silly notice that never gets followed anyways.

And so, Clay was captured. Not even really by our hero...Oh well, that’s life. Cynwrig was also arrested; for entering a house without permission and scaring the inhabitant.

“I can’t help it if that woman was so sensitive...”

Our hero got a week in jail. Clay got three months.

“Hmmphh...I should have also gotten a week...”

And this is the end of our story. Thank you for sticking with me until here. Considering all our interruptions...Yes, you two, I am glaring at both of you!