Survival: The Return

Chapter 42

“Fe”... he called me Fe.”

For the first time since he lost Faith and Jacob, he’d had a torture free memory. When Jacob called him by his nickname, it had always made Felix’s heart smile. That sweet dose of familiarity was one of those things Felix missed intensely.

He and Jacob had suffered incessant secrecy. A strong couple supports one another fiercely at all costs, but in a world of intolerance, the work never ends. The persistent loss of humanity as the world swirled in hatred and fear, was ultimately what lead to the loss of their lives as well.

He and Jacob were separated by the war. He never knew if Jake had survived or if they’d ever find one another in the broken sad world that was left for them at the hands of the “leaders” who’d perpetuated all of the devastations.

Felix dreamed every night of Faith. He dreamed night and day about Jake and the loss of his unrequited love for him.

He woke so many times in a cold sweat in the night, startled by beautiful dreams of his Faith. He was mostly startled because she always spoke to him and as he woke he looked around for her. Sometimes he wished for sleep. Sometimes he hoped to stay asleep forever. Not just because he felt he’d lost any reason to live, but also because he was with them when he slept. Dreams were his dark pathway to them. They could dance together again. They could laugh together again, there in the ether.

However, upon waking Fe would slip back into a depression that slowed his heart rate, slowed his pulse, slowed his thoughts or desires to even have them.

He didn’t want to talk about it, about them, about his sadness. He only desired stillness and silence.

When he sat on the edge of the forest, next to the remnants of the garden, he held tight to the deep darkness and its damp underbelly.

Sitting like a school-aged child with his legs “crisscross applesauce,” he closed his eyes and waited. He conjured as he always did. He manipulated his thoughts to create his much needed time with his touchstones. It didn’t always work when he was awake, but he was quite determined. This day he had something to say. He had something he must ask them.

Please, please come...I need you Faith...I need you Jake.

He had a plan in place. For some reason, he was convinced that without their approval, it might not go as planned. In his mind’s eye they came. Peering at him through the pink light that slipped faintly through his closed eyelids. He tried to communicate to them his desires. Faith, angry with him, turned away and slipped from his thought’s touch. Jake stared clearly through the sparkling waves between them, imploring him silently to stay.

“Fe...please don’t. You’re needed. It’s not your time.”

Felix dismissed Jake’s request. He wouldn’t be happy or content ever again. It was time to just let go and quit resisting the urge that everything would be okay—because it wasn’t. Now, he was ready. Ready to take the journey. Being well prepared, organized, and planned out was one of Felix’s fortes. He finally made the decision their approval wasn’t necessary. He was doing this for his parents for Faith, and for Jake. Then and only then would he be truly happy.

Faith had transplanted a small castor bean tree to the garden. This plant had many benefits but also a poisonous attribute. Faith knew it had been used as medicine for centuries. The seeds without the hull are used for birth control, constipation, leprosy, and syphilis. Castor oil is a laxative and can be used to start labor, and to start the flow of breast milk. She was so glad to have a plant with multiple uses. However, the hull contains ricin. If chewed they can cause acute and potentially fatal gastroenteritis. Felix had saved a handful of the seeds with the hulls intact.

Laying on his back with the dappled light like freckles upon the earth, he felt and heard the slow, languorous breezes tickle the leaves on high. The branches danced and shook their little ribbons of green to the beat of the wind. While he enjoyed Earth’s music, he put the first seed in his mouth and started to chew. He took all six that he had. He lay still and waited.

*****

Faith missed her garden. She missed her brother. She came back to take him with her. This wasn’t how she wanted things to be, but he’d found a way. Now it was her turn to help him and be his guide. She nudged him from his permanent earthly sleep to rise and follow her back to Momma and Daddy and the rest of their family and to Jake. He looked at her and smiled with great relief. He wanted to hear Momma and Faithy reading The Giving Tree again so that Jake could hear what he’d told him so many times.

“I wish that I could give you something... but I have nothing left. I am an old stump. I am sorry...”

“I don’t need very much now,” said the boy, “just a quiet place to sit and rest. I am very tired.”

“Well,” said the tree, straightening herself up as much as she could,

“well, an old stump is good for sitting and resting. Come, Boy, sit down. Sit down and rest.”

And the boy did.

And the tree was happy.”

― Shel Silverstein, The Giving Tree

Written By:

Firstborn60