Myself

I don't know the name of but what I fear is that I am the reason I will find myself alone

I fear it to the point that I have trouble sharing with people because I don't want them to say I'm more trouble than I'm worth. It's that clog in my throat when I'm talking to someone that keeps me from saying anything. It's what makes me worry that I come off as calculating because I don't say enough or I say too much.

Am I manipulating someone when I tell them how I feel? Will they only stay because they pity me? If so do I need to be stronger than I am so they stay? How long will it take before I break? I know to keep people you have to trust them but if I don't trust them quickly will they stay to earn my trust. How can I tell someone I trust you but I don't trust myself to be able to be whole and keep you. You like a part of me but can I trust you with all of me.

If you see all of me will you turn away. Do you only tell me what I want to hear? Am I pulling back because I need space or am I pulling back because I strangle myself with silence? How do I talk when I don't know how to say every word and question that has marked every ounce of love I have. I would give everything to someone I love but is everything that they want? Will my anxiety, doubt, and fear outweigh my good qualities if there are any? Will I make their struggle worse by sharing mine? Or it will it give them company?

Do they only want to be my friend because I share their pain? What do you see in me because I want to give that to you but I can't see it? Does my overthinking send me into a spiral you can't reach? Have I made myself unreachable because I can't just open up? Can I open up and hold back at the same time? Would it be better if I acted like I don't need them as much as I do? Should you need anyone or should I only want them?

How do I say I need someone without putting pressure on them to stay? Am I just projecting and what they actually want is for me to say I need them? How do I say all of this without seeming crazy or being misunderstood? Is the natural kind of crazy everyone understands or am I in the outside. I am happy alone but I don't want to be abandoned.

I am fine but I am not and I trust you but I don't trust myself so if I don't trust myself how can I be sure I trust you? I don't fear what happens after I tell someone something, I fear saying it in the first place. Once it's said it can't be taken back. It can be explained, excused, and reasoned but it can't be taken back.

I fear myself. I fear that I am my own worst enemy because I am. I know none of this is unique but it's what I fear and it's what I work against to keep it from holding me back. I don't always win but at least I don't always lose against myself.

It goes on and on till I feel like I'm going to puke.