have no body

"and i don't want your pity, i just / want somebody near me,

guess i'm a coward, i just /

wanna feel alright."

--nobody by mitski.

today, i do not know who i am. today, i cannot

tell heartbreak from my own left hand. i have no

body to tell me if i'm doing this right, cutting you

out ever so gently and not being surprised

that you don't notice. makes me wonder if i was ever home

at all. your words just made things worse, but it's the thought

that counts, right? maybe it's a good thing i have no

body to ask if it hurts.

i didn't want to make a big show out of things, i just

wanted someone to care. hold me by the face and tell me

i was real. push a little bit beyond the cold formality of

how you usually freaking tell an unstable person what you

think they need to hear, because i thought we were more

intertwined than that. but in the end, who do we have?

maybe i'll stitch us back.

but back then, you made me feel like i had no

body. nobody at all.