to be

I want to be alone. But not in the sense of loneliness; I just want to be somewhere quiet to think. Somewhere where there is not constant noise, constant drama and criticism, constant forced conversations.

In a place where I am not required to make an appearance everyday just to make other people happy. Where I am not simply holding it together all the time until I am alone. A place where I am not relying on other people, but instead on my own responsibility and my own choices. The kind of place where I can work hard and buy everything myself, stand back after painting a wall some strange shade of green and say, "I did this. I own this." Where I can get up in the middle of the night when I can't sleep, and go lay outside in the grass and enjoy the silence simply because I want to. Maybe roam an art museum for the first time in my life and just take in the colors. To be somewhere new, to make friends with people out of genuine interest, not because someone told me to 'be more outgoing'. A place where I can be family with a dog or a cat, regardless of the allergies and sneezes, just because they are mine and no one else's. Where I can wear the clothes that I have never been brave enough to wear, or sing loud for the first time even if it's bad, or try learning a dozen languages in my terrible accents, because there will be no opinions to meet. To have the freedom to live out my wild bucket list and share my big love for Jesus and write for a living even if my writing is bad and meet my own best friends and run up the Eiffel Tower stairs and get my doctorate degree because I can and maybe-just-maybe fall in love.

It could be too much to want. And it does seem selfish. But it would be a shame to die without living out all the goals in me.