MY SYMPTOMS ARE RIGGED

White House Briefing, Dec. 4th 2020:

"I was told by Pelosi herself that this mushroom she enjoyed regularly back in the day would ease my mind and make me not so tense. It has now been only minutes and I can tell you already this has been the worse trade deal for my body in my personal health's history." I tug my magnificent tie as my stunning wife gives me the nod it should be taut.

"While I do feel tremendously more relaxed, the most relaxed I've ever felt, I look out to all of you and see those little rodents that always follow eachother, what are they called Pence?" With a proud expressionless face he replies,

"Lemmings Mr. President."

"Yes right Pence! You all look like lemmings, but also all the reporters have turned into snakes...don't look at me like that I know I've said that before, but they actually look like snakes right now. They're hissing at me...literal ANIMALS, ALL OF THEM." I run with the grace and speed of a pack of cheetahs and lock the whole white house down until my symptoms are better, but I can't let the public know some dung plant got to me.