Vestal Fear

I feel inclined to begin this by saying this happens to be one of those things I'm not sure I really want to share-- and not just because it's about my biggest fear, it's also quite personally-intimate.

I don't do intimacy very well, outside of writing.

I suppose then, it's a good thing I'll be writing this and not speaking it to a live audience, and yes, I'm stalling.

You see, before I name my fear, I think you must understand a few things first.

For one, I'm a virgin. I've never had sex with anyone-- not out of lack of opportunity or offers but, rather because of a lack of passion and desire genuine to my heart. You see, my Pisces heart wont settle for anything less than a deeper-than-physical connection.

It's that heart which brings me to point number two, when I do have sex, I don't want there to be any barriers, physical or otherwise, so I have no interest in having condoms in the equation. I want the whole experience, right down to the planting of seed at the climax of pleasure.

If the thought didn't cross your mind already, yes my "biggest fear part 1" is pregnancy the first time I have sex. The modern mind no doubt wants to tell me to just take birth control pills or use spermicide... but not only am I against long-term consumption of big-company pharmaceuticals, they're not guaranteed to work.

I love children, I love helping people evolve in ways that bring the most peace into their lives-- yet the idea of getting pregnant and having a child of my own, so unexpectedly, absolutely terrifies me. It scares me to the point I've considered buying a small supply of "the morning after pill" to ensure no pregnancy will take despite the strong will of deeply rooted, long unsated passions.

Assuming I could get past that fear, there's the second part of it that can be summed up by three letters: S.

                           T.

                               D.

Imagining myself having found a man (or woman, not likely but I wont discount the possibility) whom I'm undoubtedly going to have sex with... how the hell do I bring up STD's in conversation?

"Before we do this, I need to know, when was the last time you where tested for STD's? Can I see the paperwork?"

Or maybe..

"You ever had sex with someone who has an STD?"

I've thought of nearly a hundred ways to broach the subject and none of them sound anything less than insulting.

If I don't get confirmation and I go through with it only to discover he was a clever disingenuine bastard who played my buttons perfectly, leaving behind a scar that can't be mended or scrubbed clean, I'd be devastated. 

I'd be the queen of Lost Virginity Horror stories.

"Quickie in a hotel? Prom fuck-n-dump? Backseat blunder? Required his fingers to pop your cherry? Damn, those are shity experiences... oh me? I got H.I.V."

I can see who-ever I'm telling already leaning away from me like they can get it by proximity. I know because I've met a guy with the disease and witnessed the way people kept their distance. Like sitting next to him on a couch would be too great a risk. As if talking to him would make him too much of a human to ignore the way they wanted because it made it easier to avoid risk of contamination. 

I would literally be tainted for life.

Twisted as it may read my fear isn't in the STD's themselves, it's in the infection of one with the void of a soulmate/companion still present.

Is life not hard enough?

I admit that I allow my fears to keep me from any active consideration or "looking" as it were, about as much as other priorities in my life simply seem more important. I've accepted the possibility is there, yet I for all the creative-analytical power of my mind, I can't seem to fathom a plausible reality, so the fears remain at rest with my virtue and sexuality.

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