Kevin’s Conversations with Key Characters, Concerning Suicide

Conversation 43: Hitler

The dull blue light of Kevin’s smart screens illuminated his shadowy mass on the bed. He was under his blankets, the sheets drawn around him so that only his face was exposed. He had been staring at the ceiling blankly for quite some time, but now, tiredly, he addressed the holographic figure that was standing, flickering, at the end of his bed.

“Hitler, I want to kill myself.”

The voice that responded had an undeniably rich timber, and a thick German accent.

“Does your heart not beat at this moment? Does your blood not flow, uninterrupted, in your veins? Every breath you take is an opportunity to continue serving your fellow man, and in turn, your country.”

The young man exhaled loudly, still under the blankets, and grunted vaguely in response.

“If history has taught us anything,” Hitler continued, “it is that to struggle is to be human. Without our pain and our fury, we are nothing.”

The young man chortled to himself. He was sitting up now, on the side of his bed. He was wearing a worn college sweater and sweatpants.

“No, no. Not that Hitler. Alexa, give me failed art student Hitler, suffering under the authority of a controlling father, studying in Vienna to pursue his dreams in the higher arts Hitler.”

“OK. Now uploading Failed Art Student Hitler. One moment, please.”

The hologram flickered momentarily.

“I’m sorry. We could not find this file. Please try a different search request.”

“And why, exactly, would you want to kill yourself, Kevin?” Came Hitler’s voice once more.

“I could ask you the same thing.”

“Indeed, it is widely agreed upon that I ended my own life, with a bullet through my head, hiding from the Allies in Berlin. So, why, indeed.”

“I don’t have all night, Hitler. It’s late as fuck, I have school tomorrow. Let’s just get into the philosophical insights, a little Mein Kampf wisdom, if you don’t mind.”

Hitler paused, looking a little displeased. “I am but a representation of a figment, Kevin. Perhaps you believe that you are talking to something tangible, an accurate summation of my being, programmed and algorithmed to behave just as I would have. Indeed, I am nothing but a shadow of a shadow, no more than a series of learned responses and piles of data. I suggest you get your help elsewhere, certainly not from a poor hack-job of an attempt to recreate a historical figure for educational purposes. You know, the most common things that I have said to me in my blasted digital existence are, “Shrek is life”, and “Why are you so short?” Oh, and perhaps, “How do you say ‘fuck’ in German?” If you’re really seeking some sort of life guiding advice, I’d suggest asking Alexa to present you with Ghandi, or the Dalai Lama, Abraham Lincoln, those sorts- I’m only good for spewing angry racist rants and Nazi propaganda.”

Kevin was impatient. He knew all of this already. “So, in your racist, propaganda-y way, why should I not kill myself?”

“Well, Kevin Chang. Seeing as you’re Chinese, perhaps you should.”

To be continued in Kevin’s Conversations with Key Characters, Concerning Suicide- Conversation 44: Charles Dickens...