Neck Climbing Tattoos

Alana’s hands trembled when they patted her down at security. She focused on memorizing the order of the snacks inside the vending machine and tried not to compare the little cells for Doritos and Snyder’s pretzels draped in fluorescent light to the structure of Wellstone County Prison. She honed in on controlling her breathing while the guard finished checking her pockets.

Lex watched her intently from where he sat in the center of the cafeteria. Through the glass window he could see she hadn’t changed much. Her straight brown hair reached her hips and complemented her small frame just as it always had. Her almond brown eyes were quizzical as ever and he could tell she was more nervous than she was letting on by the way her nostrils flared repeatedly while she glanced around the room.

Her mouth however sat in a flat line resting on her chin. This was new to him, her permanent bubbly grin is what made him fall in love in the first place.

She hadn’t seen him yet, he sat alone at his little metal table in the middle of all the other prisoners with visitation rights. It’d been six months since Lex was allowed to have a visitor but he couldn’t bring himself to make the call and let her know. Not after he ignored her letters. Not after he heard how good she’d been doing when her mother called to ask him to leave her alone forever. He felt guilty bringing her here. Selfish.

The iron door buzzed and she stepped cautiously across the threshold. Alana spotted Lex immediately and she was convinced she was going to throw up. Her feet carried her to the table and as the cool metal chair sunk into her jeans she hadn’t even realized she moved.

Alana suddenly regretted coming. The truth was she had gotten his message weeks ago but she couldn’t bring herself to come. Anger swirled in her brain like storm clouds and she still caught herself wondering. Does he still think I’m pretty? She wouldn’t tell him how long she’d spent getting ready today. Making sure every hair was just so, tying her sneakers to make sure each loop was the same length. She’d even had her nails done. Periwinkle. Lex’s favorite color.

She focused on the line of white light that was reflected off the table between them and ignored his hands, folded and scarred that were just out of eyesight. “Alana.” That was enough to send her spiraling back to what once was and before she knew it she had met his eyes. Shit. She thought. His blonde curls were gone. Replaced by a buzz cut that made his neck look too long. His skin still looked like delicate porcelain accented by eyes so icy they cut right to her core. She shivered. Lex reached for her hands and she pulled them back and rested them in her lap, her eyes dropping back down to the table.

“I shouldn’t have come.” She said quietly. Alana had always been skittish. But never with Lex and that put him on edge too.

“I’m glad you came.” He said. His voice was rougher than she remembered. I guess that’s what happens when you end up in prison. The last word snagged in her brain, suddenly Alana was angry.

“Why didn’t you answer my letters?” Lex opened his mouth but she wasn’t finished. “Because I wrote you letters you know, I wrote you 23 fucking letters.” Alana’s jaw quivered but she was nowhere near tears. She was livid. “I called, I left messages with your sponsor. I know you’ve been talking to him, he’s a really shitty liar.” Lex stared at the girl he thought he recognized but now he wasn’t sure. He’d never even heard her swear before.

“I know I’ve only ever seen places like this in movies but tell me Lex could you have made a phone call? You know just anything so that I didn’t worry for ten months that you got stabbed trying to take a shower or something ? Hm? Could you make a freaking phone call Lex?”

Lex had never seen her this mad. He usually had all the right words for her. He remembered when he could rub circles on her back and lull her to sleep no matter what that day had hit her with. Slowly he nodded. The color drained from Alana’s cheeks.

“Oh.” She said and her anger dissipated. Suddenly she looked small again.

“Alana I didn’t want you to come here. It isn’t a good place for you.”

“It isn’t a good place for you either.″ She shot back.

He noticed she still wore the necklace. The one he gave her on their three year anniversary. He presented it to her weeks early cause he was too excited. A little gold spoon. Because she was his little spoon. She thought it was super cheesy and made sure she told him every chance she got but she never took it off after that. Alana noticed him staring at it and rubbed her hand across her neck leaving a red mark. She had so many questions. So many all at once but the one that rose from her throat first surprised her and Lex at the same time.

“Why’d you do it?” Her words stuck in the filtered air.

Lex exhaled. “Alana.”

“Stop saying my name.” She snapped. “Why’d you do it.”

“How’ve you been?” Lex’s eyes pleaded with her.

“Lex I have been patient.” Alana growled this so low he could barely hear it. “I have been more than patient. I have been loyal to you. I have been only for you and you ignored me for ten months. You destroyed us. You destroyed me I-” Tears rose in her throat and she swallowed them quickly. “Why did you do it?”

“Alana.”

“Why did you do it!” Her fist hit the table and one of the guards took a step forward. Because I love you. He wanted to say. “Because he deserved it.” He said instead.

“Deserved it?” Alana whispered, her shoulders shook violently. “Couldn’t we have talked about it. You never mentioned anything, I know I hated him too Lex I really did just- damn.” They both sat silent for a moment. Her eyes traced the tattoos that climbed the neck of the boy she loved.

Lex still remembered the fire, the way it consumed the skeleton of the house that was left when he got there. The way it reflected off the tears in Alana’s eyes as she stared into the blaze from the front yard. He remembered being white hot angry at her. Gripping her shoulders he screamed at her emotionless eyes. “What the hell did you do? Do you know what’s going to happen to you now?” He remembered how she never answered. How the tears just rolled as she stared at him blankly. Drained. He remembered the moment he realized what he was going to do. How he sobbed to her and told the only person he’d ever learned to love how much he cherished her. How he kissed her motionless lips knowing it would be the last time. The rock knocked her out cold but he made sure she was still breathing with a finger under her nose. “I’m sorry.” He whispered hoarsely, stroking her hair. “It’s gonna be okay now.” Lex had walked up to the flames that ate at the door and grabbed the doorknob. Letting the flames lick and bite his hands groaning until they were bubbled and peeling.

He didn’t know that Eric Carrington was burnt up inside the house when he willingly let the officers bring him to the curb and cuff his hands. He didn’t know that he wasn’t just confessing to arson and the assault of his girlfriend but premeditated murder when he was questioned by the detectives.

Part of him wondered sometimes if he had known whether he would have done it or not. But he would have. He knew Alana wouldn’t remember a thing when she woke up. Her face looked the same as it did anytime someone asked about her family. About her childhood. That same glossed over haunt of a girl who’d been through too much. The evidence of a piece of her soul gone missing. Alana’s next words could have carved a trench in the table. “I hate you.”

I love you. Lex’s mind screamed at her. He wanted to tell her everything right then. Grasping at loose ends the next 29 years of his life would never be able to hold on to. He balled his fists on the table. “Alana if you remember anything about what happened, I did it for you.” And his voice broke at the weight she’d never know those words had on him. Her face flashed emotions cold and hot and his heart palpitated in his chest. She remembers. But her expression settled down into stone.

“I wish that rock killed me.” And with that Alana gathered herself and fled the room. Lex watched his tears hit the silver and when the door slammed he crumpled to the shape of the table. “I love you.” He mouthed against metal. And when the guards half guided half carried him out of that room he managed a smile. Because no matter how he longed for everything that could have been. Alana, would never end up in a place like this.