I count.

I count.

When I'm anxious, I press my fingers into my palms exactly five times. Five is good number, and so is three and ten and twelve. Every time I read something (every single time), I read it through three times. If this gets overwhelming, I start over so that I read it exactly six times. Usually at this point I've read it so many times I've forgotten what I've read, so I do it again. Eventually the words don't mean anything.

When I'm anxious, I touch things a certain number of times. Three is again the number of choice. This usually happens when I'm about to leave an item. I get anxious that it won't stay put, or something - I'm not really sure. I get anxious about leaving it, having it out of sight where I can't obsessively keep an eye on it. Three times, then two more if I'm extra anxious.

When I'm anxious, I repeat words in my head over and over until they lose meaning. When someone says something important, or something nice about me, I can't really believe it, so I feel the need to repeat it to myself. I usually repeat each sentence five times. When that gets overwhelming, and it starts to lose meaning, I repeat it twelve times.

I'm not sure why three, five and twelve are my go-to numbers. I thought once it was Biblical but I know nothing about the Bible, so who knows where I got these numbers from. They feel 'safe.'

My safety lies in numbers. This is something no one knows about me. When I'm anxious, I'll start to press my fingers into my palms.

One, two, three, four, five.

They have no idea.