As Stars Pass

Thalia stood and put her plate in the sink, so Anise followed suit. It was a ritual that Anise was familiar with after two years of rooming with Thalia in college. She would eat, stack all her dishes in the sink, and then never bother to put any in the dishwasher until they were ready to run it.

It was highly inefficient, and back in college it used to silently annoy Anise, but now she found it funny. It was just a Thalia thing. And here, in Thalia's new apartment, she found it endearing that some things were still the same.

"Wait, what time are you leaving again?" Thalia asked, effortlessly twirling her dark hair into a messy bun and securing it with a hair tie from her wrist. It was the kind of thing that made Anise despise her in highschool, among other things; she had never had the confidence to pull off such a hairstyle, even when her hair had been long enough.

But now Anise's blonde hair barely reached her chin, they had graduated both high school and college, and Thalia had become her absolute best friend.

"Probably around three," Anise said, shrugging and leaning against the kitchen counter. She stared at the fridge and not at Thalia and pretended it was no big deal. It wasn't really. But it would feel wrong to leave after visiting for an entire week never having said the things she came here to say.

There were things that Anise had spent a good many months thinking about. Maybe if she hadn't been so focused on graduating college with top marks, she would have taken the time to figure it out sooner. And maybe then it would have been easier to tell Thalia, had she been around for her monumental realization.

If it could be called monumental to anyone but Anise herself.

But telling Thalia her newfound revelation wasn't the only reason for Anise's visit, of course not. When Thalia had invited her over to her new apartment, Anise had been thrilled just to see her friend again, after being separated from her for months. There was something so strange about living with someone every day for two years and then suddenly not seeing them for so long.

Some days, Anise worried that Thalia would move on. Forget about her. That their friendship would fade away and become some distant memory.

Anise smiled suddenly as her mind registered the photographs on the fridge. There were pictures of Thalia dating back all the way to high school, but of course Anise wasn't in any of those. Just those other pretty girls Anise had always envied and hated. Anise knew now how stupid she'd been to feel that way. Because, really, she hadn't hated any of them.

There were photos from college, too. Freshman and sophomore year Thalia grinned next to people Anise recognized, but still, Anise wasn't in those pictures. But she was in the ones after that.

Anise pulled one off to look at it closer.

Thalia had moved to sit at one of the barstools, putting the kitchen counter between her and Anise. She tilted her head and smiled widely. "The Spring Dance," she said theatrically, spreading her fingers wide to emphasize her words. "Remember when we went shopping with Ravi the week before?"

Anise laughed. "Of course; he got that terrible suit. I still can't believe he bought that," she said, setting the photo down on the counter between them.

There they all were: their sophomore year summarized in this tiny snapshot. Immortalized. On the left there was Ravi, Thalia's friend from class, wearing a loud yellow and red patterned suit, grinning as he squeezed into the view of the camera. Next to him was Thalia in her floor-length navy dress, her hair long and straight, her gaze adoringly fixed on the next person in the photo, Dante. He hadn't gone to the same college as the rest of them, but he'd come to visit that day, and his arm was wrapped firmly around his girlfriend, his smile equally as wide as hers. Squished next to him was Anise, her face turned to look at something off-camera, her smile light and her pink dress covered by the jacket she'd insisted on wearing most of the night. Pressed against her other side was Lindsay, her freshman year roommate, her face flushed and frozen in a bubbling laugh. And lastly was Jordan, his hands tucked behind his back, his suit neat and smile pleasant.

Anise's smile wavered as she wondered where they all were now.

"I'm glad I kept it," Thalia said, spinning the photo towards her. She was clearly studying Dante in the picture. She had broken up with him at the beginning of senior year, only to get back together with him months later, just before Christmas. They were still together now, but he was still in school, getting a Master's degree. In a couple of years he'd graduate and no doubt move in with her.

"I thought you threw out everything with his face on it," Anise said with a teasing smile. "The great purge," she joked, spreading out her fingers in the same way Thalia just had.

Thalia snorted and looked sideways down the hall. "I just knew we would get back together," she said wistfully.

Anise shifted on her feet, wondering what she should say next. She didn't usually intentionally prompt discussions about relationships, but liked to talk about them. That's why having Thalia around was nice; she was a hopeless romantic.

"So you just knew? Did you always know?" Anise asked after a pause that was a little too long. They weren't exactly the questions she wanted to ask, but she needed the conversation to continue. It was impossible to subtly steer a conversation, she found.

Thalia's eyebrows lowered a fraction in consideration, or maybe suspicion. They both knew that Anise tended to shy away from conversations about other people's feelings. And she certainly never shared her own, even when she wanted to. And selfishly, Anise did want to.

But Anise had gotten used to not saying anything, of letting everyone else talk about and have relationships while she watched. She had never been able to bring herself to talk, because all too often she felt like she didn't understand what was going on inside her own head. Inside her own heart.

"No, I didn't always know. But I couldn't abandon him. He needed someone," Thalia said shortly, knowing from experience that it was worthless to say much more. Anise usually didn't like much talking about Dante. In fact, Thalia used to discuss her relationship troubles with Ravi more often than with Anise.

For a moment, Anise considered her next words. She wanted to say a lot of things, but like always, she just couldn't.

"Yeah," Anise said lowly, staring at herself in the photo. She had been happy, in a muted sort of way. It was strange because even though she hadn't been unhappy, there still had been something missing, something that she had only just recently found. During college, she had only been half herself, because she didn't know any other way. Because she didn't understand who she was.

How could she communicate the importance of her own identity to Thalia, while still sounding casual?

But, as she had hoped--and feared--Thalia finally sat up straighter, her expression becoming more solemn. "Is something... wrong?" Thalia asked. Her light brown eyes flicked back to the photo, and she picked it swiftly off of the table. "It's not Jordan, is it?" she asked, shielding the photo from Anise's view.

Anise scoffed and took a step back, leaning back against the counter behind her. The handle of a cabinet dug into her thigh, but she didn't move.

Jordan was, for all of freshman year, Anise's best friend. Unlike pretty much everyone else Anise had ever met, Jordan was easy to be friends with. She felt comfortable around him; they worked on homework together, they joked with each other in class, they hung out on the weekends. Anise wasn't usually so willing to spend time with other people, but Jordan was genuinely the nicest person.

And then, as everyone except Anise had predicted, he'd tried to ask her out. Her best friend. She had been mildly offended at first, outlandishly amused next. She had considered that it could happen, but he talked about his best friend from back home--a girl--so often, that she had always assumed that his heart was taken by someone. That she would never have to tell him no. Because as much as she enjoyed his company, she knew instinctively that she never ever wanted to date him.

And maybe that's when she should have known.

"No, it's not Jordan." Anise folded her arms in front of her and shifted so the cabinet handle wasn't digging into her leg so much. None of this was about Jordan, and yet he was part of it. Everyone was part of it, including Thalia.

But that was one thing that Anise was determined not to say.

Anise stood, feeling her heartbeat in her bones. She felt like she was drifting, like she was a star so, so far away, watching from above as her hands twitched nervously and her eyebrows furrowed in thought.

Thalia blinked at her and set the photo back down on the counter.

The questions in Thalia's eyes, the concern, was enough to pull Anise back from outer space. She was here, and so was Thalia.

"There is something I wanted to tell you," Anise said, trying to make it sound light. The worry in Thalia's mocha brown eyes made it clear that she had failed.

Something about that moment made Anise smile, which wiped the worried expression off of Thalia's face.

"Someone else?" Thalia said excitedly, standing and slapping her hands down on the counter.

Clearly, Anise shouldn't have left any silence in between her words. Still, it only made her chuckle, if nervously. "No. It isn't really important, but it's important to me," Anise said, pushing off the counter she'd been up against and carefully pinning the photo back onto the fridge.

For a moment, Anise's back was to Thalia, and no one said anything.

Then, Anise turned around. She had imagined this conversation a million times over the last six days, but she still didn’t know what to say. "It is kind of about Jordan, actually, in a way.” It wasn't what she'd meant to say; she was stalling. But it was also the truth.

Thalia squinted in confusion, and she tipped her head to the living room behind her, then took a seat on the couch, saying, “So he hasn’t done anything else?”

Anise followed Thalia to the living room, which, in an apartment as small as hers, was basically also the kitchen. But she thought it would be nice to sit down, so she sank into the armchair next to the TV. “No,” Anise said, trying not to sound frustrated or confused. She and Jordan were still extremely close friends. What had happened hadn’t been important. And yet, it had.

“I always knew I didn't like him. In a... romantic way. But I've been thinking, and I realized something,” Anise dared to look at Thalia, who was--quite literally--on the edge of her seat.

“I never really considered it before, I mean, I didn't think it was an option. But I think I don't like guys,” Anise said, her eyes skimming over the carpet, her hands clenched in her lap. She felt dislodged, like a star again, but this time hurtling at breakneck speed into the sun.

There was no going back now.

"So, like, lesbian?" Thalia asked. Her voice sounded normal, like it always did. But when Anise looked up, there was a hint of distrust in Thalia's eyes, and it made Anise look away again, the familiar shame washing over her.

They had gone to a Catholic high school, after all. And through those four years Anise vehemently hated all the girls that ever spoke to her, and kept telling herself that one day God would send her a man to love. But it hadn't happened, had it? She'd waited so long, but she understood now. It wasn't going to happen.

She didn't hate girls. She loved them.

And as much as she'd grown to love Thalia, it would feel like a betrayal to admit that to her. She knew Thalia loved Dante. Anise had never expected anything but friendship from Thalia, and right now, that was all she needed. Another soul to talk to, someone to convince her that she wasn't crazy for thinking these things.

"Yes," Anise admitted, her gaze still lowered to the carpet. She felt keenly aware of the warmth of the sunlight slanting through the window, casting warped lines onto her arms.

"Ok." Thalia's response was quick and gentle and even slightly enthusiastic.

Anise looked up at her, unable to hold back a smile. "It's not important, really," she said, her voice suddenly thick. She needed this moment to hold onto. Thalia knew, and everything was ok.

Thalia smiled at Anise, her light brown eyes warm and sparkly. She was, as always, beautiful. And out of reach.

But still, Anise smiled so widely back, her hands spreading open, her back straighter. "It just felt so good to finally realize it," Anise gushed. She just needed Thalia to understand this one thing, if nothing else. "Everything changed, because I've been living my life expecting to like boys, and I can finally... not. I can finally actually live and be--" Anise's eyes snagged on a photograph of the milky way, framed above the couch. "--be me," she said.

Thalia stood, and gathered up Anise in a hug. "I'm so happy for you," she said against Anise's shoulder.

Anise used to feel like a star. A million miles away from everyone else, orbiting and following the path laid out for her. But now she could see the galaxy, and her place in it. She still had a path, she just understood it better now.

For once, she could live for herself, not for the expectations of others. And for once, life finally started making sense.