Uprising

Working in Santa’s workshop is torture, or so Sparkly Glitterface thought. 

The singing, the costumes, the names, the pay: it was all terrible. For twenty-three days a year, the elves worked tirelessly making presents for kids that were only okay. The Naughty List? Barely a thing anymore. Pretty much everyone made the "Nice" List now. Everybody but elves. 

They slaved away for twenty-three days, and they did not even get a stocking on Christmas morning. 

Sparkly Glitterface was tired of it. It was time Santa treated them right!

Sparkly Glitterface worked next to Jimmies Sprinkles. They grew a close bond over the one hundred seventy-two years that they worked at the workshop. Jimmies Sprinkles and Glitterface shared the same views towards Santa. In fact, it was Jimmies Sprinkles who brought it up. 

This year was different for the two close friends. Rather than talking about how awful Santa was, Sparkly Glitterface and Jimmies Sprinkles planned to murder Santa. If that failed, their plan was to threaten him until he caved and improved the poor economy in which the elves lived, as well as improve the naming system, the uniform, and the fact that they were forced to sing constantly. 

They were paid eighty-thousand candy canes a year. One candy cane was equivalent to one U.S. dollar. There was no taxation because Santa had no need for the money. He ruled over the land as king. Whatever you owned was his. He did not flaunt this. He acted as if he was a normal citizen, though he did not have to pay for anything. This explains why he is morbidly obese… and why he needs nine reindeer rather than three or four. 

At birth, Santa named each child. He then handed the parents a workshop uniform, made by Mrs. Clause, for the child. These uniforms were the only clothes available in the North Pole. They are very accurately depicted in Elf, the movie. 

Singing was a requirement. There had to be singing in the workshop at all times. If you were not talking, which Santa allowed, you had to sing. 

While Sparkly Glitterface and Jimmies Sprinkles talked, the elves sang Santa Clause is Coming to Town. 

He sees you when you’re sleeping,

He knows when you’re awake,

He knows if you’ve been bad or good,

So be good for goodness’ sakes!

Sparkly Glitterface pulled the massive candy cane out of his mouth. This particular candy cane was worth twenty candy canes, but it was important to his plan to be sucking on it. 

“I went to the bank today,” he said to Jimmies as he put dresses on Barbies. “Made this withdrawal for our plan tonight.”

“Awesome,” Jimmies replied, struggling to put a particularly stiff dress onto a Barbie. 

“It already has a small point. Are you sure you don’t want to join me?”

“Yeah, I’m sure. I really, really want to, but you know how difficult it can be to sneak out without Giggles knowing.”

“Ah, yes. I forgot about your wife. How’s the boy?”

“Kitty-kitty Purr-purr? He’s doing alright. Bummed about starting work next year. I remember when I was twelve… Worst year of my life, man.”

“Can’t believe that fat--I mean--Santa named him that,” Glitterface said, shaking his head. 

“Trust me, he hates it too. Giggles doesn’t like hearing me talk politics with him though, so I try not to bring it up. At least my name is kinda normal. Jimmies? I’m lucky. You and my son got the short end of the stick.”

Sparkly itched his neck. “I hate these costumes so much!”

“Do you think we should let others know about our… what the heck is this?” Jimmies lifted a Barbie off of the conveyor belt and hit the stop button on the control panel in front of him. 

“Is that…”

“It’s a fat Barbie,” Jimmies confirmed. “When did these start getting made?”

“I guess this year. I never would have guessed to see one of those,” Sparkly replied. “What were you gonna say?”

“Oh, yes,” Jimmies began, turning the conveyor back on. “Should we spread the word about our plan? I mean, the more support we have, the better, right?”

“Sure, that’s a good idea. I’ll tell a few people I know at lunch. Maybe you should do the same. Maybe we can hold a huge uprising tomorrow morning when Santa makes his annual visit to the workshop on the fifteenth, rather than attacking him at night,” Sparkly Glitterface added. 

“Sounds good. I know about twenty people, so word should spread fast.”

⇔

Santa walked into the workshop at 4:45 A.M. . He walked in with every elf that worked there. 4:45 A.M. to 9:30 P.M. were the hours for an elf. But Santa did not care: he sat on his butt basically all year, had the elves put the gifts into his magic bag, then flew around eating cookies and drinking milk. 

Santa Clause loved his life. 

Santa walked onto his platform in the far corner of the workshop. The young elves danced around him, asking him questions. He laughed his jolly laugh as they attempted to show off to him. After about ten minutes, Santa made them get back to work. It is then that he looked up and noticed that not many elves were working at all. His smiling face turned to a frown as he realized many of them were holding bats and sharpened candy canes. 

“Now, now,” he said, “there is no need to be violent. Let’s talk about this!”

“You already had your chance, fatty,” Sparkly said. 

“Glitterface, there is no need to call names!”

“Hah! We want to make some changes ’round here, Nick. Ain’t that right, boys?”

In unison, the elves yelled, “YEAH!!!”

“Since you brought it up, let’s start with names, shall we? Why did you have to name us like you did?”

“What’s the matter with Sparkly Glitterface?”

“Everything, Pilsbury. We want new names.”

“Okay, done.”

Sparkly rolled his sharpened candy cane in his hands, then pointed it at Santa. “This mandatory singing? I want it gone.  I also want a new uniform… something that isn’t as femine or childish.”

“Okay, anything else?” Santa said calmly.

“Better pay.”

“You get paid really well already,” Santa Clause said. 

“Candy canes? Really?”

“Fair point. I’ll do my best."

"What is it with us not getting any gifts on Christmas? Like, really, dude? We work our booties off for you, and you can't even squeeze yours down our chimneys Christmas night to give us some gifts. How's that fair?"

Santa scratched his chin and thought for a moment. "The gifts would be spoiled."

"Really? Is that all you've got?"

"Alright, I'll give you guys some gifts! Jeez! Anything else?" Santa said.

The elves looked around at one another. No one said a word. “If you don’t mind, then, I’ll be on my way.”

The sea of elves parted as Santa walked past. 

"Well, that was easy," Sparkles said, looking over at Jimmies who was standing next to him.

⇔

Sparkly walked into work on the seventeenth with a huge grin on his face. His new orange jumpsuit really screamed "I work in a factory."

Every other elf walked in with the same uniform: orange jumpsuits with their new names on their backs, as well as a sweet ankle chain thing. It had two clamps that attached to each leg, and a chain connecting them in between. Everyone loved the new uniforms.

“Prisoner 638, you may enter," a robot said as the elf in front of Sparkly entered the workshop. 

"Ooo, robots!" Sparkly said. "Fancy."

"Prisoner 626," the robot said to Sparkly, "you may enter."