12/22 (oh hey i’m the next amy poehler)

I've been thinking about my career a lot; I'm starting to wonder if SNL's like an old comfy first love and that's why I keep coming back to wanting it or if it's something I actually want to do.

Here's the thing. So ever since I was a little kid I've been obsessed with Saturday Night Live. Like, before I even knew what it was I'd wake up early as a kindergartener to watch Mighty B, or I'd do impressions of my dad doing "Get Off The Shed" (which, by the way, is a masterpiece). And that was all well and good, and of course I like SNL, everyone does, right? Maybe?

Something I don't show a lot online is my funny side, that's mostly because I fall into this rut of thinking that funny people aren't seen as smart. But that's so not true! The Office writers are beyond smart, literally just listen to Mindy Kaling sometime and you'll see what I mean. But also I'm...not Mindy Kaling. Or Tina Fey. Or Maya Rudolph, Kate McKinnon (God, what a queen), I'm not my childhood hero Amy Poehler. Couldn't even try to be. I'm seventeen year old Riley F (because there's always a Riley C or a Riley T or K) who can't decide what the hecking heck she wants to do with her life.

The ultimate goal for me was always SNL. I wanted to write for them. Be a comedy writer. My comedy stuff's pretty good. I guess you can't fact check that though--I'll have to change that. But that's always been what's floated around the back of my mind, every age and every stage.

I also wanted to be an artist. I wanted to paint pictures and make songs. I want to make documentaries. And I so long to be an intellectual. I love law. I love history and english. For people to view me as smart--that's holy grail.

And I guess I've narrowed it down a bit--I'm not great at art, music's really only a hobby to me. I have an awful relationship with cameras, but that documentary is a maybe-someday thing. Law is amazing, my parents don't have the money to give me that education. I don't think it's possible to get the scholarships I need. And in the back of my mind, is that really what I want anyway?

SNL, you're like an old cardigan. I watch you and it's like I feel...real. I feel like an actual person because I'm looking at something I can actually do. You feel like childhood and the magical summer after ninth grade and being able to see what you've always kind of dreamt about but kept secret.

But I don't know how to get to you. I don't know how to break into that. What do I major in, right? What do I do? And that's so niche, like I might not even make it and that's just a big old waste.

So now what?

Whoever knew that the people who created "Target Lady Meets Her First Lesbian" could also create such existential dread?

(It's almost kind of nice knowing nobody reads these anymore. You've all given up, or I've bored you to death. In a weird sense, I'm free.)