The guilt behind their ears.

I just woke up like everyday morning, skipping breakfast, preparing to go to school, drinking plain coffee in the back seat of the car, looking outside the window, watching the gathering rain from last night.. feeling empty as always.. when will something comes and take the sadness of my heart ?

My cat died last month. We didn’t say goodbye to each other. I couldn’t accept his death.

What have i done wrong ?

I know he’s in a better place right now, but i feel like i could’ve given him a better life.. i feel like i can’t take his death as a truth.

The brightness of this gloomy life just passed away.

As i was drown by the sorrow thoughts, it started raining.. the rainfalls felt like milions of souls whispering to me, this time felt stronger.. i always felt like i’m waiting for something.. Someone.. i’m feeling like somebody told me to wait in my past life and accepted my fate.. and the feeling gets deeper when it rains..

I stopped having those feelings when my cat came to me but now he’s gone like that, and there’s nothing i can do to that fact.. and nobody can take this pain away.

I returned in that gloomy night from work after school to my dark room, it was darker than usual.. as i enter the room i find the tv open.. i don’t remember leaving it open.. well i always don’t remember things. Don’t remember at all.

As I’m taking a shower, i was feeling like there was a presence, i get out of the bathroom, drying my hair with a towel, i see the tv screen turned into a gray color, glitching sound getting worse.. it didn’t bother me. I sat on the corner of my bed looking at the screen, water drops from my hair. I don’t feel empty.. i don’t feel empty at all. As i was Looking blankly to the screen i turn my head to the window and i see a big halo coming from someone.. is he someone ? It felt like a spirit more than a person.. he tilts his head to me with his sharp eyes and we stare to eachother, i don’t freak out, we don’t talk, we just stare.. he gives me a familiar sense, i don’t hate it.

Me : you look familiar.

Him : ...

Him : ...

Him : you aren’t afraid?

Me : strangely. not.

Him : that’s good.

Him : How have you been ?

Me *without stuttering* : I’m okay

As i said that, i became confused..

Why do i have feelings of belonging to this soul ?

Is this ever real ? Looks like m dreaming or hallucinating, but why does it feel so real and isn’t bothering me ?

And suddenly a tear drops in my face without noticing and i feel pain while i look at him.. he comes closer to me and sit and look at me with sad eyes and say with soft voice : svetlana..

I look at him so confused and a strange word comes from my mouth: father..

Why did i say that ?

Then he puts his hand on my hand, and it feels so real and warm, am i really imagining things ?

I look at him closely and i find that i know this face.. this cold face..

It was Joseph Stalin, the leader of the Soviet Union..

( I went with my family to his city and house o year, because i loved reading about him and i was interested in him and strangly felt connected to him. )

Suddenly my head filled with questions and confusion.

I step back alittle and ask : what brings you here ? why am i crying ? And why did that word come from my mouth ?

Him : svetlana.. I’m here for you

I said with a thrill: don’t call me that !

Suddenly i became angry.. it’s not an anger from being scared and shocked, it comes from sadness and love and reproaching.. why do i feel like that ?

And then he says with a calm soft voice :

Don’t be scared my child. If u can’t remember me, it’s okay, and i don’t blame you, and i know this will leave you confused and you wouldn’t understand what i’m saying to you, but you should know that i was always near you.. protecting you.. looking at you.. and i got this chance to approach you with my real appearance and confront you and ask for forgiveness from you my beloved daughter..

I know this is hard to understand and maybe you feel so scared but i wanted to say these words that i couldn’t say when we used to live in same world but if you can’t take it just tell me to go.. it’s okay..

[silence grows again]

he looked at my face and said with unfamiliar warm smile: at least i got to be in the same world with you again, and looked at your precious deep eyes with my real self again my darling.

[As he was getting up looking like he leaving] i grabbed his hand without thinking and said : stay..

[He turned around and looked at me with tears filling his cold eyes ] and i say to him : I’m still confused and really don’t know why i’m acting like this, and there’s a big chance that i finally lost my mind and started seeing things, but my whole life i felt like i needed answers for unknown questions, and felt like i was waiting day by day for them, but now you came, it feels so surreal.. and i feel like i know u, so even though it sounds crazy, i want to sit and listen to you till the end..

Because i wanna have this closure and i want my emptiness to be filled, my questions to answered..

So stay, and tell me what you got to say.. please..

[He sits back grabbing my hand like an old father wanting to give some strength for his child]

And says : this is something i wanted to say my whole life and afterlife to you..

After i died, i didn’t go to the other side. I was stuck here, and i had to watch you deal with my sins day by day, i thought this was my punishment to what i have sinned and for the souls i have ended, i had to see you suffer and face the world as my daughter, and let you say “i will pay for what my father have sinned” .

I was watching you, trying to make anything to connect you but it was always useless back then.

Then, the day of your death comes and i was thinking i could see you and talk to you before you go up, but you didn’t.. in fact, Your soul didn’t go up, it went for another body, a child was born in November 22, 2011, red hair, blue eyes, and Calm face. Just like you.. the little girl didn’t cry when she was born and kept looking at my side, i felt like she could see me..

From that point, i decided to stay near her and watch her growing up, trying to protect her if i could.. in silence.

As she was growing up, she got interested in history books.. my history.

She even went to the house i lived in, and looked at details from my life.

Somehow, she never expressed what she was thinking of me, she just kept looking, wondering without expressions.

I didn’t like the fact that shewshe was interested in me, but she never said anything about me, which made me curious.

And just like that, i was watching her everyday, seeing her life and her growing up. Then suddenly, my day had come, i didn’t wanna go up like that, and know i was selfish thinking like that, then i got asked if i wanted to be reborn, but just for a short time. i could’nt be reborn as a human without losing my past memories, so i decided to become a cat, that little girl loved cats, so it wasn’t hard to take me when i came to her, and like that i could stay near her like without hurting her.

I became a cat with a silky black hair with so-little gray hairs, only her could see.. yellowish sharp eyes, and mature behavior.

[In that point i interrupted him]

I said: u mean..?

He answers: yes my child, it was me.

[tears suddenly came out without stopping, i couldn’t control myself.. was he near me all that time ? ]

And he started to finish his story :

as you know i couldn’t live alot, soon my time came again because of what i did in the past. But strangly, i got this chance to see you again for the last time and with my real self to give you my goodbye and let you know it was never your fault that i died as a cat, this was just my time.. Sorry for letting you down twice.

[In that moment, i just hugged him without thinking, my whole thoughts and confusion just turned into nothing.. i couldn’t think of anything but holding him while i could ]

I hugged him so hard while my tears falling down like a drain, and he was looking at me without talking, crying too.. We just stayed like that.

And he whispers to me while he was tearing :

you’re another girl now, having a better life, a better family, i can’t ruin your life this time too.

[ i chime in ] and say : you never ruined my life ! My past father or not, bad person or not, you were my little boy in this life, who lightened up my life, and brought happiness to it, and i can’t feel any other feeling than love and gratitude for you.. i don’t care of what you did in your past life, and i don’t have any memories of me being your daughter, but i know for sure, no matter what you have done, she loved you alot and missed you without knowing, and she had forgiven you since you died.. And the fact that you stayed near her soul since you died, makes me feel sad and guilty for not letting you go..

[He says ] : Please don’t feel sad or have any guilt for me, i have loved every moment with you, watching you growing up again in silence, made me feel grateful and it never felt like it was a punishment for me.. even this moment, i just feel sorry that i confused you and made you sad and broken with my selfish decisions even now.. failing you again..

I just wanted you to know that you’re doing great.. nothing was your fault..

I loved you. And i will always do.

[I say furiously ] : don’t you ever say that you made me sad or regret doing that ! You don’t know how much you meant to me, you were special.. and nobody could take your place and give me the same joy and fill your place !

I don’t know what you did to me as your daughter, but i know you weren’t just a cat to me in this life, you were everything.. and you still everything. Thank you for coming to my life and be a big part of it. And thank you for giving me this closure.. don’t say that you want me to forget all these moments with you, even this one.. you will always stay as my happiest memories in this life, afterlife. And you will always be the reason that i suddenly smile in my darkest times just because i remembered you were here..

I loved you. And i will always do.. those my words.. father.

[The sadness and happiness was mixed in his face when he heard this word]

He then whispered to me : thank you for being my daughter and i answer : thank you for being my cat.. my father..

[ We hugged that night and i don’t remember anything after that ]

I woke up next morning in my bed, my room was warm, i looked at my tv and it was closed. I sit on my bad looking blankly wondering if it was all just a dream, i grab myself together after a while and try to get ready to go to school, after all that.. it was just a dream and i had to finish my day.. but even though i believed it was a dream, somehow i was relaxed and happy, that morning it was raining heavily, but it didn’t feel cold and sad as always. Instead, it was warm, and it felt like i was hugged million times.. sitting in the back of the car, my didn’t go cold. I look out of the car and see a halo of a cat, i stare at him then i see a smiling face, i look at my wrist and see words, it says :

“You’re loved” .

And I knew in that moment it wasn’t a dream, it was the answer of my emptiness of my life.

And somehow i know why did he stay here wondering around me and made him happy and didn’t get punished at the end, i believe it was his daughter’s wish.., my wish.. And I was happy with that.

I’m happy.

Lana, dec 31st, 2030.