Where Dreams & Reality Meet

Dear me,

When you close your eyes at night, I know the life that you long for. Your dreams are so much bigger than this tiny town. Sadness and angish are replaced by happiness and sunshine in your dreams. I know you want that seemingly impossible life. I know you want a life of fulfillment. A life that feels worth living.

I know you don't want to hear this, but life is not what you expect. True, my days are now my own. I am no longer chained to my bed with a black hole of despair. Yet, happiness is not what you think.

I know you think one day you'll just wake up and wash it all away. I'm here to tell you that won't happen. It takes years of hard work to become that person. And even when you achieve it, you'll still always be haunted by the ghosts of your past. Those carefree days you dream of will not match the reality laid out in your imagination.

I know you think you know exactly how your career and life will play out. I'm here to tell you those aspirations were all abandoned years ago. Years of bills, medical surprises, and broken promises will cause you to settle. You will need to change the entire way you think of yourself, your career, and what it truly means to live well. Yes, you will still be free to dream. But the life you eventually come to achieve will be much smaller than your endless dreams.

No, your happiness will not be what you are now imagining. You will settle and compromise until your life is livable, but not the spectular event you dream of at night. You will eventually realize that your happiness will never be the careful fulfillment you think. Your hope will turn into a life of quiet desire. A yearning to find that happiness you once longed for, but is now so far out of reach.

I don't know if I can say anything to truly prepare you for the pain you have yet to endure. I know you think you are living in the darkest part of the planet. I know you think that the light can't be far from you. Sadly, I know you have darker days ahead of you before you can finally be free. You will become all to accustomed to hearing doctors say that they are powerless to help you. In just a few short years, you will have to watch your own boyfriend be buried. It will be years before you are truly financially stable. And even when you are, you will still be drowning in medical bills. There is no way to prepare you for what lies ahead.

I don't want you to think that my point in telling you all this is that it's not worth the pain. Yes, if I could, I would change what lies ahead for you. But I sadly do not process such powers. You will get to a point where you are content with the life you have settled, scraped, and sacrified to earn. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It may not be the blinding sun you are imagining. It's more an everlasting glow of embers from a once roaring fire. But it is there. And you will learn to warm yourself with the glow of the embers.