Remembering Happiness

It’s not often that I find myself in a state of supreme, thrilling happiness. My preferred version of a dopamine or serotonin high is much more ordinary, and it’s one that I don’t always notice I'm in the middle of until the streak of happy chemicals is broken by a wave of epinephrine or a spiral of overanalysis.

Like trying and failing to pick out my favorite book, I can’t pick out a most happy moment from all the ones flitting through my head. Also similar to my experience with books, I don’t often find myself in a certain situation and think to myself, “This is one of the most happy days of my life.” More often than not, to use the book context, I’m enjoying reading a book, and there’s nothing I’d rather be doing in that moment, yet, instead of being the sudden thrill of a starburst, it’s a sort of an ordinary, subtle blissfulness that I sink into and cherish with all the comfort and contentedness of a warm cup of tea.

That’s how most of my happy, joyful memories are. I don’t usually register that those happy feelings were more noteworthy than usual until later on (like right now, for example), when I think back and agree with myself that that was a really happy memory, among all of my everyday happenings.

If this feels a bit confusing, it’s because I’m still figuring it out myself. What truly makes me happy? The overwhelming majority of positive memories that come to mind are not composed of events or experiences, although those types of memories have certainly brought a lot of joy in my life; however, I think a great deal of my happiness is found in something much less concrete than things or places or even people: it’s in my state of mind.

Yes, a mental state is greatly affected by actual things and happenings in my life, but sometimes, it’s a lot deeper than that. It has to do with who I am rather that what I do or things I possess.

All that being said, I do have memories of happy times in my life that bring me joy when I recall them. And when listing my best memories, they will necessarily be comprised of a wide variety of circumstances and settings, both abstract and concrete. Because that’s how life goes. Sometimes happiness is found in the lightning burst of shooting stars and heart-dropping roller coasters, while other times it’s found in the simple pleasures of everyday living and loving.

Here are a few of mine:

~ Standing at the top of the Eiffel Tower with my sister and feeling the breeze on my face as we took in the stunning Parisian landscape and architecture, and then a bit later, watching the sun set behind the city from our vantage point on the Arc de Triomphe. Happiness despite getting lost in the maze-like streets of Paris more times than we could count and so exhausted from walking I thought my legs would turn to liquid right then. And then, of course, exploring the Louvre the next day and mourning the shortness of our visit, but later getting distracted by a boat tour down the Seine and then going on an evening tour of the Notre Dame Cathedral.

~ Talking on the phone with one of my best friends for hours and not even feeling the time slip by, even though I hate talking on the phone but it’s okay because this is not just any old telemarketer I’m talking to.

~ Traveling when I was thirteen to spend a week with friends who’d moved across the country and traversing the length and breadth of Wisconsin, Illinois, and Kentucky on exciting adventures with our two families.

~ Epic sleepovers as a kid with my bestest childhood friend when my whole family would get together with her family and we'd have the most awesome parties with games and swimming and singing and good food.

~ Sitting cross-legged at the top of a grassy hill at my family's old house overlooking green rolling hills dotted with farmhouses, horses, oaks and eucalyptus, puffy white clouds in the sky, and feeling the sun’s rays soak into my bones, and hearing crowing roosters and the rustling of leaves and a distant train whistle, and smelling pungent grasses and the mild, sweet aroma of grazing animals, and sensing that steady gentle voice of divine love and acceptance welling up deep inside my soul.

~ Camping on the California coast with good friends where we spent a week doing fun stff like building epic sand creations on the beach, eating burgers at seaside cafes, going antiquing at cool local shops, hiking among the breathtaking redwoods, searching for interesting rocks and crabs in tidal pools, and singing songs and telling stories and playing games around a crackling campfire.

~ Exploring San Francisco with friends and going to some of our favorite places, then walking down dark streets late at night and goofing around like idiots.

~ Getting lost in the flow and rhythm of writing when the story is at its richest and my characters are at their chattiest, when they are veritably speaking their world into my mind and the colors and details are so vivid I feel like I could soar with the absolute wonder and thrill of the creative flow inside me.