Realizing You’re on the Wheel

I'm really angry. I mean, that's not surprising since we are only a week into a new year and the radical whites are acting up. But honestly, I don't care about that. I've taken enough ecology classes to know that people don't change the root cause of things. Fixing the foundation requires drilling into the house, and the populous don't trust that eventually, that small period of strife will be over. The saying "History repeats itself" is truncated from the saying "History repeats itself if you don't know about it", which honestly is the best representation of history I've ever read. These radical whites in their MAGA hats and anti-semitic gear carrying around nooses like a bunch of confused children whose Halloween has been canceled makes for good memes and some vacuous conversation comparing irritation from people scared that the house may be drilled into to people that are homeless asking for housing.

Analogies aside, good luck with all that noise. I am mad because I have to change my fucking minor again, tweak my goddamn schedule again, and send more emails to ensure that I can finally fucking graduate. I thought I had worked things out. I mean, I already had to add on another goddamn semester since I failed a required seminar class which meant changing my schedule again. Instead of sacrificing a class that I've wanted since freshman year, I'm holding onto it with a tight grip, which means begging to substitute classes and emails and blah. no one taught me how to write emails. How annoying is that? Gen Z gets a lot of shit for not knowing how to do things, but no one teaches us the fundamentals. Screw learning how to do my taxes. There are accountants for that shit. No one around this bitch wants to tell me how to send an email with accidentally slipping my existential dread in there? What's a good subject title that sounds professional with "fuck" in it? Who decided emails would be the professional communication system and didn't add a fucking manual to it?

What's most annoying about my situation is that I knew this was going to happen. Historically speaking, what I want to happen never does. If I'm excited about something, it gets fucked up. Classes especially. I am a biology major with a word minor. Fuck it, I don't know what I study anymore. I really like learning but at this point, I just wanna graduate and I don't care what my degree says. It's just so frustrating that the solution was so simple, and I couldn't figure it out myself. All I had to do was go to an English minor since they require so little and I can half-ass read books and bitch about them in some less than professional essays. I'll be honest, I gave up on MLA format a long time ago. You wanna hear about the motifs in Frankenstein, you're gonna hear me talk about how annoyed I am that I had to finally read the book and talk about how hilarious it is how based on Lord Byron it was.

I don't know where this is going. Every time I try to stop it, another paragraph just happens. Obviously, I need to get this out so I'm just gonna rant until the words fizzle out. I think this whole institution of learning is honestly so stupid. You know how irritating it is to walk around with an F in anatomy on my permanent record and still be able to explain parts of the body to people? How am I not learning? Sure, I googled a lot of answers to tests and often slept through classes, but I'm still retaining stuff. I know where the bursae are in the body. I may not have known what a single bone was named, but I know where they articulated and why by looking at them.

This is the problem with learning shit. Teachers throw textbooks at people and scream words at them and then say, "How did you not learn anything, you stupid gym sock?" Now, I'm walking around feeling stupid because I have an F as if I just didn't learn anything. Work is the same way. I go to work for money. We all know this. I don't care how much I say I like the company and the working environment, I'm just here to pay off my fucking credit card debt and afford to buy Pizza Hut. Yet, I work a lot to make nothing. I work so much that now that it's not busy, I feel lazy for doing nothing. I can go outside and look for more trash since one of the 20 people at the zoo is bound to be a nasty fuck, but it's cold and I now wake up at 9 am to wipe off a clean toilet for the thirtieth time and read books.

I think I'm just a little disillusioned right now. Breaks are supposed to be relaxing, and this hasn't been. This is that feeling when you go outside for the first time in three and a half hours to do your job then come back. You feel weird, as if you're cheating the system by being present and doing nothing. I work now because poverty because ordering delivery because I'm always inside because COVID, yet still can't pay off my debt. It's not even a staggering amount. It's $1200 [and continuously fluctuating because I am the worst at making myself do better], which I could usually make in a month but I'm so lost in my habit of buying stuff with my card that came after this miserable time period.

To be fair, I can't blame 2020 (though I do because societal pressure to not take accountability for shit). Just like these MAGA morons are historically inevitable, so is my predicament that I'm in. I historically like to spend money on things that make me happy and the lack of serotonin from the possibility of the outdoors is being produced by a different type of green. I like my job but I'm also lazy as hell and my bosses no longer being able to pressure me into working with the anxiety that some kid will shit in the middle of the floor of the women's bathroom again has led to a worrying precedent. My tendency to force myself to stay awake coupled with my natural adoration of being awake at night has screwed me to a point where I'm nervous that I can't recover. Plus, the thought of my school shutting down due to another grueling chapter of COVID and all of my classes being remote again open me up to the possibility of having an even longer sentence because of my inability to just be able to take in and spit information like everyone else.

In short, I'm frustrated because the cycle is repeating itself and I was smart enough to make it out of the loop this time and was sorely mistaken.