Oblivion

I am eager to please, listless and not paying attention. When someone speaks to me I'm somewhere else entirely, rethinking text messages I've sent and contemplating the things I do not want to do. I sometimes yell to be heard. I can be dismissive, and when I once went to therpay, my therapist described me as "the queen of avoidance." I hate change and transitions. I am left wondering if I am overly medicated into oblivion. Others go on to be doctors and lawyers and I am stuck. I don't know how to make my first move. Perhaps I'm too shy, or maybe I'm a sociopath in disguise.

I'm a poor excuse for a sister and do not speak to my mother. I'm lazy and depressed, unable to maintain relationships for supposed slights that I have made up against family members, in order to avoid talking to them and feeling anxiety that I am not good enough. I got angry when a friend told me I was not taking quarantine seriously, and I dumped her as a friend. No one has time for a nay-sayer, although I find myself saying words out loud I don't even believe.

I cry in public spaces. The last time I spoke to a therapist for an intake, I told her I didn't want someone who smiles and nods. Well, she said. That's sometimes all you can do. We agreed there was a scheduling conflict. I don't settle.

Talking to someone about my problems is important. I sent my sister a selfie from the hospital and she said, you need to stop doing this. Hospitals are my safe space. I want to be broken, and I want to be sick. I'm what you call a self-fulling prophecy. I have a lot of regrets and want to stop taking my medication so I can live without feeling like I'm swimming in the ocean.

I run my dog on the beach and feel enlightened. I call him baby and get mad when he barks. I don't understand my anger and think it is misdirected, even as I act on it. I love some things so much but the voices in my head are confused and don't like when I'm happy. There are a lot of voices.

I am someone who avoids their reflection in the mirror. I am not about appearances. It is easy to run from my problems, and it is easy to deflect what is right in front of me. Perhaps we all choose the path of least resistance.