How am I?

I've been doing quite a bit of procrastinating lately, so naturally, I've been sat thinking about my life in the big picture. That is not the best thing for me to be doing. It is a distraction. I think about how insignificant my little boring life is and forget that my real world is moving along without me with every passing second.

I spend more time than I would like to admit thinking about how my life is on loop. Wake up, go to school, do homework, go to mock trial, clean, do more homework, go to sleep, repeat. What would happen if I were to do something that throws off the cycle? Nothing. Nothing would happen. The next day I would just fall back into my little practice. Living my life half-awake like some kind of zombie.

Normally when people ask how I am I say some variation of "I'm fine." Recently, I've been saying more of the truth like "I've been better" or "not great" and sometimes I even tell the full truth, saying a simple "not gonna lie, I really want to be dead right now." However, people think that is a joke. It isn't.

Essentially what this whole post is trying to say is no, I am not okay like I might have said. My honest answer to the common small talk question "how are you" is as following: I am not okay, and haven't been in a while. I have been thinking about how small and boring my life is especially compared to others around me. This whole situation is quite a weird thing to think about, and yet I can't seem to get it out of my mind. And quite honestly, it is making me feel quite depressed.