Relinquish the Desire to Feed
Peering into your eyes, I wonder who you are.
Your eyes glimmer with the gleeful knowledge
That you, indeed, exist.
Separate from me.
Yet behind the scenes,
Quietly you lurk in the caverns.
Seeing a light filled with Joy,
You will never be able to glean pleasure from.
So you spin your thread that is made of
Worry, doubt, and pain.
In it you dwell, taking in then spewing out.
Tearing through gossamer strands of vibrant hope.
And I SEE YOU.
Are you afraid that one day, you will simply vanish?
Unable to gather your sinister threads, unable to feed and grow?
I have found you out.
You are the wolf hiding in the closet.
You have been there from the beginning.
Waiting, oh so patiently.
I tried running away.
Hiding beyond your grasp.
Even trying to reach the metaphysical planes.
That drive most to sheer lunacy.
Relentlessly you followed.
Trying to pilfer all that is pure.
But, I too, am hungry.
Hungry for peace that is not fleeting.
For a connection that is essential to one’s being.
You want to scream and thrash.
Driving away the fragile awareness I have so carefully cultivated.
But you have no idea what I have been up to!
I wait until you are subdued, having feasted on my self destruction.
It is then, when I would normally roll over into a cycle
Of self loathing and further self destruction, that sometimes,
I become just a little stronger. Push just a little harder.
What if it were like the Jack London story?
Where the man runs out of matches, with which to Build a Fire?
Giving up, in the dark. After fighting to stay alive, for so long.
When the sun rises,
We see camp was so very close after all. Just a few more steps.
I must wake each day thinking “today could be the day it all falls into place.
For like a tiny sliver, I draw you out with the salve of truth and self reflection.
Your infection cannot take hold.
Once I stop hiding. Especially from myself.
I take hold of your unpalatable buffet of my lowest feelings
I hold it up to the light.
It is there I ask everyone to look at
All I tried to deny
All the messy, ugly parts of me.
I will say “I’m not proud of this, but at least it’s not my lunch.”
I am simply fighting back.
You did not bank on my resilience found through reflection
Piece by piece I throw the remains of your meal into the violet flame
That surrounds my healing soul.
You weren't aware I had finally let myself be secure
In the knowledge that this is all really the stuff of smoke and mirrors.
Born from the cesspool of dashed dreams.
Let me tell you a secret.
You will never be satiated.
The only way to quell the hunger, is to relinquish the desire to feed.