Now.

Right now?

God, you think I know?

What am I doing right now?

Trying not to drown in my own fears, for one. For a second I had the waves under control, but I can feel them lapping at my ankles, waiting and ready to swallow me--sorry. I know, I'm stronger than that, right?

That's what they say, anyway. What I'm doing is following their advice. I'm going to keep wading deeper and deeper until my feet can't feel the sand anymore and I'm just trying not to breathe in the water under my nose--I'm doing it again, aren't I?

Sorry. I guess I panicked for a moment, but I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Nothing's wrong.

What am I doing right now?

I in the context of the universe? Well, I'm nothing at all, that's for sure. Ha, no, you didn't want that answer, I get it. Of course, we're all a part of something.

But what I do... it doesn't matter, right? I mean, I'm not trying to make a difference; I can't.

What's that? We all can? Sure, I know that.

It's just... when you're trying to keep your head above the water, when all you can do is kick and kick and try for a moment to feel the ground and take a breath, it's hard to feel like anything's going to matter. Going to matter to anyone but yourself. Selfish thought, isn't it? Or is it, to want to take care of yourself?

Well, that wasn't the question. Sorry. Again.

So what am I really doing right now?

I'm holding a smile. I'm trying not to fail. I'm kicking. I'm doing my work every day without a complaint and telling myself it's fine, it makes me happy--or, it's going to. I'm contemplating existence. I'm drowning. I'm telling myself that if I keep doing the things that I'll work through everything, that everything's ok, that these feelings are passing, that it'll be ok as long as I tough it out. I'm learning what 'tough it out' is. I'm not being weak. I'm crying in the shower. I'm living. I'm alive. I'm not feeling alive. I'm looking to the future, because it's stupid to be anxious and there's no reason to hyperventilate and I'm overreacting and it's absolutely nothing and everything will be fine if you just stop thinking so goddamn much.

And I'm smiling a photoshoot-worthy smile as the water rises.

That's what I'm doing right now.

Oh.

How am I doing right now?

I'm doing fine, thanks. How're you?