Right Now

I feel like

I opened a door

And walked through

Without looking

So I didn't notice

It was a door

To nowhere

And now I'm falling

In darkness

With no end in sight

Except

There is pain

So much pain

So it's more

Than just falling

It's also

Being ripped apart

At a cellular level

I'm not sleeping

I'm not eating

I drank last night

Even though

I promised myself

I wouldn't

Not until the end of January

(Plus four days)

But now

I think

I just give up on that

Maybe

It really doesn't help the pain

And is probably

Very unhealthy

Since I'm not eating

And not sleeping

I wish

I hadn't found out

And I could live

In blissful ignorance

With his arms around me

His breath on my neck

And my heart full of love

But,

I don't really

Wish that

Because it wouldn't change

Who he is

And what he's been doing

I feel despair

Honestly

The cessation of hope

And I hate

That I gave

This man

That much power

Over me

But I did

I gave it all up

All my trust

Love

Dignity

Everything

I laid it at his feet

And he used me

As a doormat

As I pick up

The pieces

Of my shattered heart

As I walk away

From the future

I saw with him

I try to remember

The other side of love

The side that doesn't feel like this

I can't.