identity

hi. so i'm just going to ramble for a bit. the past year, with covid and other... tumultuous circumstances going on, i started deeply examining my identity and beliefs. (this is just a reflection of myself and my experiences, so i hope this doesn't offend anyone)

a little background: my parents raised me christian, and not just like go to church a few times a year. they were on the worship team, and my sisters and i would get up at 6:00 am every sunday so we could go to all four services that day. my parents and church taught me everything i knew about christianity: that we were all broken and totally depraved, that jesus died for our sins, and if we would accept his eternal gift of salvation, we would receive eternal life. and it made sense. the only things that bothered me was that i wasn't sure if i was saved and i was scared of hell.

last year, i started questioning, mainly due to my parent's response to covid and blm. it bothered me. it wasn't only this, though. there were many factors, including my mental health and lingering questions that no one seemed to be able to answer, and if they could, the answers didn't satisfy me.

so now i'm stuck. i'm not sure what the truth is anymore and i feel so lost. i wish the truth was easy to find, not full of contradictions and confusing passages. i still think god is real but something in me says that he isn't good. i still fear hell but i don't want to accept his "perfect" gift, because i can't reconcile christianity with all my questions.

the other thing i've been struggling with is identity. i was taught that god made adam and eve, and it was perfect. man and woman in perfect, holy harmony. the implications of this are that marriage can only be between a man and a woman, so homosexuality is a sin and it twists god's beautiful creation.

i believed this, but i'm not sure that i do anymore. it is too painful - for myself and the people i care about. because the problem is that i'm a girl who likes girls. and it is impossible for me to reconcile that with the bible. (also, please don't comment that "it was actually pedophilia they were talking about in the new testament". no it wasn't. god is obviously fine with child marriage and making jesus's mother, a fourteen/ thirteen year old girl, pregnant)

sorry for ranting. i just feel so lost and hopeless. when i look at christianity, i feel so alone, and i feel like a part of me is wrong and broken. and maybe it is. maybe i should accept that, but i don't know if i can. it hurts too much. maybe the shame and guilt is god calling out to me, calling me back, or maybe it's years of indoctrination and cruel words being thrown back in my face. i don't know.