let it be

I realized something today. I got to thinking about my drug habit. I relapsed this week. I was thinking how my brother knew but didn’t seem to be upset. He seemed to look upon it with this tragic little understanding. This little undertone that just said “let her be”. I wonder what my sister thinks when she looks up to us, watching us in our states of raw sadness that we won’t acknowledge but understand is there, making excuses for the other. It’s okay if he pours everything into the same copy of a girl who will act like our mother did to him when he was too young to realize how evil she was. It’s okay if all his music always has an underlying tone of rage and sorrow. It’s okay for him to pour himself into lacrosse, holding on to something that won’t last for dear life, sticking his identity to it until he will be shattered if it were to be peeled away. It’s okay if he tells himself he is different, special, better than others, not from a place of ego, but from a place of deep irreparable hurt. Just as those things are okay for him, it is okay if I live in a fantasy world. It is okay if I am develop a substance abuse problem at the raw age of 16. A full blown drug addict by 17. It’s okay if I spend the long hours of the night too fucked for me to be even consious in my own head, as I become the substance, floating above consciousness. Its okay if I push the limits, mixing things that shouldn’t be mixed, doubling the doses, having some strange sense of peace knowing that I may not wake up tomorrow. It’s okay if I pour every once of my energy into my appearance, because I do have that going for me, and its the only thing that I have ever been able to rely on my whole life. And I wonder what she thinks of all of this sorrow spilling through the little holes we pretend aren’t there so it doesn’t drown us in our own heads. I wonder if she will ever develop past the distant coldness and become like us. I wonder what she thinks as she watches my brother turn everyday more and more into my father. And I wonder if she is as scared as I am that it will happen to me.

Most of all, I wonder if she will survive without us. If any of us will survive this, or are we going to just let the other be until they end up killing themselves.