I can’t do this anymore .

What’s the point of sleeping now ,

when Anxiety haunts me worst in bed .

What’s the point in sleeping now ,

when pain awaits me when I wake .

What’s the point of sleeping now ,

when torment lies I’m my head .

What’s the point in sleeping now ,

when dreams are the cause of my dismay .

Everything is perfect there .

I’m normal .

I’m not depressed .

I didn’t chase away my friends .

I wasn’t the cause of someone’s death .

I still believed in hopes and dreams .

My parents believed in them with me .

Demons didn’t lie in my head .

Sadness didn’t lie in my bed .

I spoke truth with every word I said .

Lies didn’t exist , that was the dream I made .

Was it that much

to dream for ?

I didn’t want a house .

With people I loved ,

I just wanted a home .

I didn’t want toys ,

Someone to talk to ,

I hated being alone .

I didn’t want a phone ,

Your love and attention ,

That’s all I ever wanted .

But I guess that was too much ,

considered how it ended .

And now you question me ?

You were the one who told me I didn’t have a home .

You were the one who left me alone .

You were the one who gave me that phone .

This was more than 8 years ago .

And now what ?

Because I accepted the fact I didn’t have a home .

Because I got used to being alone .

Because I started using that phone .

I’m a weird, ungrateful kid ?

It’s called learn and adapt .

When you realise no one loved you , you give up on a home .

When you know no one wants to talk with you ,

you get used to being alone .

When you are given a phone ,

to distract you from the warm affection you seeked ,

a phone screen could be warm too ,

that was why you used it .

All I wanted to hear were two fucking words .

″ Good Job ”

Was that really so much to ask ?

You didn’t need to say it warmly ,

You didn’t even need to say it directly to me .

As long as I knew I wasn’t that useless .

Did you know ?

I wanted the first person to congragulate me for something , anything .

I wanted the person to be you .

But no .

It was some random stranger , whom I never knew .

Why did they even congragulate me ?

I had never met them before .

So why .

Why would someone I didn’t know congragulate me ,

when you never bothered to .

Did you know how much it hurt me ?

To see a kid you never met before ,

get all the praise I ever wished for ,

from you .

The competition that day ,

English if I remember .

I was the one who won it .

From categories 5 to 6 .

Individual category .

Writing category .

Comprehension and grammar category .

4 categories in total .

Or at least , the ones I signed up for .

I won them all .

I stood on stage to take the prizes ,

only to realise you were really bias .

You stood in the middle row .

Arms crossed .

Face unchanging .

I couldn’t understand you .

Then again I never did .

Wasn’t that your dream for me ?

For me to win that competition .

Wasn’t that what you wanted ?

If not , why did you look so dissappointed .

I only did what you wanted .

I won that competition solely for you .

I’m not one for standing on-stage , recieving applause .

It only creeped me out , nothing more .

I hated it .

So tell me why ,

after that whole prize-giving ceremony .

Why did you go ,

to the second prize winner ,

and congragulate them ,

all while ignoring me ,

when I tried giving you the trophy .

Why .

You told me .

Second place was only for those who settled for lesser .

So why .

Why did you congragulate them ,

but not me .

If second-place winners were as bad as you told me ,

then why did you congragulate them .

So .

From that day on I realised .

That nothing I did would ever satisfy you .

I still went on winning other competitions after that day .

Years went by .

Only for you to keep downplaying my accomplishments .

Do you know what made me break ?

The art competition .

My first and last art competition .

Do you remember how I won ?

Or...do you remember cursing my dreams right after .

No ?

Then again ,

your memory somehow always turns foggy ,

when it comes to things like this .

How about this ?

Do you remember...what my dream even was ?

It was to be an artist .

Do you remember...who gave me that dream ?

You .

Remember when you used to flood my brain ,

my heart ,

my soul ,

with all of your broken dreams ?

Remember when you made it ,

my job ,

to fufill those dreams ?

And when I did ,

you only grew more distant from me .

Why ?

I guess you must be happy now .

Since my dreams turned to ashes ,

just like yours .

Except ,

mine will never come back .

So ,

my very dear mother ,

What’s the point in sleeping now ,

when I know a better tomorrow doesn’t exist ?

Let me set some things clear to you .

You can’t control me anymore .

The strings you attached to my dreams are all but gone .

You burned them all with your bare hands .

String by string .

You should have known .

They were the only thing you could threaten me with .

The moment you burned them alive ,

you burned me .

So don’t expect your life to be easy anymore .

I’m coming for your neck .

And I have nothing to lose .

You made sure of it .

So , dear mother of mine .

Let me return you the favour .

Of birthing me .

Of raising me .

Let me return that favour .

Please and thank you .

See you in hell .