Dazed & Confused

When a relationship has ended, & you’re hurting but you know there’s no going back, why is it that you tend to idealize all the good times. You push back all the pain and anguish that your partner caused you and dwell on what you did wrong, making you feel inadaquate and you see your ex-lover as some kind of golden person. They don’t want you anymore; so you must be the bad person. Is time the only thing that will let the truth come to you, make you realize that it took 2..... it just ends in 1.

I don’t want to remember the things he took forgranted, because I know I took alot forgranted also. I don’t want to remember his lies because I too lied, but not as often. Just because I admitted to mine never made HIS go away. It takes a big man to admit when they are wrong....& there aren’t many out there that do. It broke my heart when I realized he wasn’t one of them. Most just get madder at you as they explain & turn the conversation around to something that you did wrong.

“All the things you did behind my back”....he said....

I guess I’m so stupid I wasn’t suppossed to see what he did behind my back. Or did he really think he was so perfect he didn’t make mistakes?

In reality...I shouldn’t expect the truth from someone who lies especially to themselves.

Things never spoke of....things that I KNOW. I could have accepted. Denial just closed more doors making the end inevitable.

I’m sorry, I’m dwelling....seems the only way I can make myself realize he wasn’t the 1.

But it doesn’t ease my pain.

When I met him...it was fanatical that first night! He made me laugh away all the trouble we had gotten into with his van breaking down & me just turning 20 away from home, stuck overnight (we had to sleep in the van!)

We would have died for each other back then.

Now different homes, different attitudes, different lives.

Built out of the ashes we left behind....talking...but never about the past except for saying I’m sorry.

Ashes aren’t really good life material, if ya know what I mean.

Sigh...it’s done.

& now I know just how much it cost me.