Words of Honesty

I am not one of being verbal about my emotions because they cause me an immense amount of heartache. The biggest disappointment of my current life was the passing of my beloved grandmother. She ended up developing late-onset Dementia.

She kept me together when my schizophrenic mother would drive me up the proverbial wall.

She died alone at Calvary Hospital in the Bronx (New York City,) and my mother's oldest sister text me the depressing news on July 31st, 2018.

I felt as though I both lied to my grandmother and myself. I remember one of the last things she asked me in the nursing home, and it broke me in half mentally, "When are we going to go home, so you can take care of me?"

"Yeah grandma, I'm going to take care of you when we go home." I didn't want to lie to her, but I was forced to. Her apartment was given up, and she was going to be there permanently.

I failed her as a caretaker and a granddaughter, and I feel the tears in my eyes as I write this.

I knew that she would want me to press on and deal with my mother regardless.

I know that I can never forgive my mother and her wretched oldest sister.

I know that I'll never forgive those who didn't help in her care when she was alive.

The best thing I can do is heal, continue my therapy sessions, and continue to learn more about Alzheimer's and Dementia.

Never give up hope on yourself is my advice. Your loved one may no longer be here, but you are and you have to keep going for your own sake.