I guess I’m okay

You told me you'd be home for dinner that you loved me.  This is when is topped trusting people.  I wish I hadn't been so noisy that I'd done the dishes more often.  I wish I was a better kid maybe then you would've stayed.  I guess I'm okay I never cried anyway.  I wish that when you left I cried and screamed I wish that I could go back and break something. I wish I could blame you for it all but in reality it was probably my fault.  Maybe I wasn't good enough.  I became numb when the one person I loved didn't come home from work.  When my own mother left me.  I just wish I could go back and do something behave better yell less be kinder I don't know anything to keep you around.  How can I survive without a mother I need you.  I wish I didn't call you those awful names but I'm glad I did.  I wish I wasn't a contradiction. I wish I could take back forgiving you.  I forgave you I forgave you I FORGAVE YOU.  You treated me like shit but I forgave you and you gave me nothing but panic attacks.