I want a sort of butler/slave/provider/etc, I think...

1) You should be able to cook edible food. No sea creatures, unless they have fins AND gills. I may be finicky, but I love food. Put the right stuff in front of me...and we'll get along mighty fine.

2) Be a teacher. You will have the excellent honour to teach me things, especially some CRAZY tricks. Will it be safe? Well...uh...It will be fun.

3) You must be able to play the violin, saxophone, trombone, piano, and guitar. In return for your musical services paid to me (nightly), I will sing for you daily. (And no, you have no say in me singing, because I WILL sing every day, and you will never be able to shut me up).

4) Be ready to accept all of my eccentricity. Also, know that my idiolect is heavily influenced by what I read and watch; provide me with what you'd rather wish to hear.

5) Know that I want a beautiful, flourishing garden. But, you will have to remind me of it often. No, not about my dream, but of actually tending to the garden.

6) Find a way for me to have terrific Internet and a way to evade bills. Yes, you may never mention anything about bills whilst I am in hearing range, you hear?

7) Do all the chores, except the dishwashing machine. I'll help by sweeping every now and then when I'm stressed (you'll make sure that I don't get stressed, right?). The rest of the work...is yours.