drowning (because maybe you’ll meet me down there at the bottom of the ocean)

You were always a good swimmer, weren’t you?

We would go to swimming lessons together when we were six and

I was always afraid to jump into the deep end but

You had no hesitation because

You knew you could handle it.

You would jump in and

Look back up at me with

Eyes still squinting closed from the water

Hair dripping wet and

Breath washed away by the sunlight dancing off your reflection,

Air rushing in and out like you couldn’t get enough of it, and

You’d hold out a hand and say

“What are you waiting for? Come on, it’s not that bad, I’ll catch you.”

And we both knew you wouldn’t be able to catch me but

I jumped in anyway because

I knew you’d never let me drown and anyway I

Couldn’t resist you.

You’d never let me drown.

But you were always the better swimmer and

Sometimes you have to save yourself first.

Anyway I’m rambling but now when I

See you I

Sometimes feel like I’m drowning.

I see six-year-old you with

Dripping-wet hair and

Out-stretched arms and

Sugar-sweet smile and

I see you now with

Hair that shimmers and

Eyes that look through me and

When you look at me I

Sometimes feel like you’re inspecting me

Under a microscope and you’re about to

Pull me apart and tell back to me all the things I’m too scared to admit

To myself and to the world.

You were never too scared to admit anything

And you were never ashamed

Not of yourself

Not of me.

Anyway I know you don’t think of me much anymore but

I see you sometimes and when I say hello you

Say hello back and it leaves me with a feeling like I

Don’t know if I’m flying or

Drowning.

You’d never let me drown

Unless my drowning meant that

You’d grow wings and

You already have them so

I guess it’s a lost cause and I guess

I’ll never know what it feels like to float and

I’ll never know what it feels like for you to catch me but

I know what it feels like to have you look up at me

Eyes full of chlorine and mirth and

I know what it feels like to drown on dry land because

I’m drowning in the memory of you and

We’re both helpless to stop it but

If this is drowning

It isn’t so bad.