Transcript from Stand-Up Comedy Specials or Therapy Sessions

Hi! This is me yup. *awkward laughter* Thanks for coming out. Especially those of you who were promised a ~special~ night, and this is what you got. *real laughter* This is my first time doing this, so please refrain from throwing popcorn at me or whatever shit goes on here.

Anyway, I failed my driver’s test again. 18 years old and I still can’t drive, it’s ludicrous! *pity laughter* Don’t you hate it when your whole existence is fulfilling stereotypes? How can I call myself a feminist when I’m living proof that women should not be allowed to drive!? *real laughter* Anyway, I’m almost certain self-driving cars will be invented before I pass this test.

Gosh, even Olivia Rodrigo has her driver’s license! *anticipatory laughter* I don’t even know what aspect of her I’m projecting my insecurities onto - the fact that at 17 she is living a childhood dream I’ll never achieve, that she’s literally stunning, or of course that even she can drive. *awkward laughter* Of course! I know for sure it’s not Joshua Bassett making me insecure! You can’t tell me that driver’s license is about that wheat thin of a man. *big laughter* Sorry -

Sorry I know I shouldn’t have said that. I shouldn't have, I shouldn’t have, I shouldn’t have. It’s just - it just got the biggest laugh of the night. My dad once told me I’d do anything for a laugh, and it hurt. I don’t think I’m a mean person, but maybe I am? Maybe all of my friends hate me. *blank stares* I don’t think I could make it if my friends hated me. Shit, this joke bombed! *pity laughter*

Anyway, Dr. L [name extracted because I don’t need people stealing my therapist], I’m almost certain I’ll never leave this town. I’ll be 81 years old and still dreaming of a world beyond my childhood bedroom. Do you think my hair’s long enough that I can pull a Rapunzel? *real laughter* *covers my face so they can’t see that I’m crying* My proudest achievement? Maybe that I woke up this morning? Aha, I’m just kidding, my proudest moment is getting my driver’s license! *confused laughter*

Thank you so much for coming out! I hope you had a good time - I do it all for you!

Yes, this time next week works for me. I'll see you then. Just email my dad the

receipt.

Merch is being sold outside, and be sure to stream my comedy album My Therapist Thinks I’m Funny.

For next week? Journal my thoughts and feelings - live with the uncertainty? And

be sure to keep taking my meds. Got it, yup.

Thanks again! Have a good night!

Thanks again, have a good day.