Empty

There she lay on her bed, staring at the ceiling as she released the smoke from her lungs. Her mascara was still running down her damp face, and she squinted her tired eyes. Her phone had rang and pinged for the past hour, but she did not pay any mind to it. For she knew that if she had looked at her phone again, she’d welcome in the agonizing pain in her chest she had been experiencing all day. She’d be overwhlemed with the constant “Are you okay?’s” and the “I told you so’s.” from her friends. She might see his name on her phone again, and she just might get tempted to message him and tell him that he made a mistake in walking away and that she still loved him.

Through her watery eyes, she stared at the blunt in her hand. She had not found herself caving into her temptations as much lately, and perhaps it was because she had found euphoria elsewhere.

Being in his arms and having him touch her so delicately had given her the same high, if not a more intense one, that filled her body with ecstasy. Feeling his gentle kisses on her lips and down her body made her feel like she was finally wanted by someone, and she forgot about all the stress weighing her down. Her thoughts of how miserable her life was and how much she wanted to give up was replaced by thoughts of him. His loving words, the compliments he showered her with, and how close she felt when he was inside her. After years of being abandoned and feeling like she was not enough for anyone, she found someone who wanted her. It gave her a reason to smile again, and for once she felt intoxicated with happiness.

As much as she enjoyed her new-found love, she knew deep down that it was only temporary. No one ever stayed in her life, and he was no exception. She tried to embrace what she had with him in the moment, but she also spent the nights she did not spend with him crying because she knew he would not be in her future and that he did not have any desire to be. She knew about the other women in his life, and that his attention was never fully on her like hers was on him. She knew that his promises for a future together would never be met. She knew that she did not have his heart, and that he did not love her. Her touch did not mean anything to him, and that he would eventually grow bored and dispose of her. Still, she desperately clung onto him for as long as she could. Despite their heated arguments, how much she questioned her worth because of him, and all the nights she spent crying, it didn’t matter because of how exhilarating it felt when his attention was on her and they shared intimacy. She craved those beautiful moments, and she would rather be with him than have to be alone.

She held onto him for months, but the dreaded time had come where he decided to say goodbye. Though she believed that she had mentally prepared for this moment, she found that she broken as soon as he told her it was over. She tried to plead, through her tears and deep breaths, asking him not to leave. However, his mind was already made, and she watched as he walked away. He did not shed any tears, did not send any texts afterward, and she already saw that he had been with one of his other women right after. While she laid in her bed with tears streaming down her face, gasping for air and clutching her chest, he had already forgotten about her as though she was never even in his life.

And now, here she was. A blunt between her lips, her eyes feeling heavy, and her body feeling numb. She was back to where she was months earlier, but with memories of a one-sided romance that helped her cope with the many agonies of life for the moment.