Recurring Dream #1

Frequently, throughout any span of time, 

I dream that -

I am a teenager again.

Tonight is going to be my last soccer game ever.

I am frantic - 

     frantic to get my clothes together

     frantic to end my soccer career

     frantic to be good

     frantic to win

     frantic to get out the door

I am running late and my father is supposed to drive me. 

Urging him to stop what he is doing and take me is exhausting.  

He is almost ignoring me.  Or can't hear me.

We finally leave and on the way I am searching my bag for my uniform.

I am missing my socks. 

The coach will be mad and the referee will not let me play out of uniform.

Telling dad we need to go to the store so I can find the same color socks,

I know this is going to take a lot time.   

It may be impossible.  

I feel myself growing extremely tense, nervous, anxious. 

I make it to the soccer field.  

It's just starting the second half. 

I missed the first half of the last game I will ever play.

As I go to take the field, I collapse. 

I am awake and aware and I know I need to reach the field but I cannot stand.

I begin crawling.  

Crawling, so slowly, like something is holding me, 

I just want to take the center of the field one more time.  

I wake up, having never made the field, 

feeling tired, and sad, and a little relieved.