What Once was Maybe

All those years ago I saw you

The room blurred and nothing else mattered

The strangest thought I've had before or since ran through my mind:

"Marry her."

All those nights fighting with myself, "a foolish consideration."

It took weeks for me to retain my composure

Weeks for me to start talking to you

Weeks before I found my own spine.

And finally, when my brain caught up with my heart, and my spine was settled, I realized it was not time.

And so I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Years went by, we were friends, acquaintances, associates, and everything in-between, yet I said nothing.

I enjoyed what we had and appreciated what may be.

Time and time and time....

I remember walking up to you, thinking it was time

Instead I watched as you died inside, I had no idea why and never asked.

I simply sat with you and talked

And we talked about the past and the present

And we talked about your family and about mine

We assured each other we'd talk again

We assured each other we were here for one another

And I left

At peace.

Years more went by

We were closer than ever before and

For the first time since I met you

For the first time in long, long years

Years of you with your boyfriends

Years of my girlfriends

I realized I couldn't simply walk away.

I stepped up, ready to speak

But the toils of the heart pulled me away,

I cracked a joke about my narcissism

You laughed, pure and authentic

And I walked away, telling myself:

Not yet.

I tried, I promise I tried to move on

I stopped talking to you and got with another woman

But walking through the gardens

Appreciating the flowers and fountains

I conceded in my heart it was time,

And so I went away, away and to you.

I asked you out to dinner,

My characteristic artificial charm and confidence fading away

I couldn't look you in the eye, no matter how hard I tried.

My heart beat with uncertainty,

My palms were sweaty,

Butterflies swarmed my stomach,

All things I've only felt while looking upon you the first.

"I'll let you know"

Were the only cryptic words you spoke

And I smiled and nodded

"And so I'll wait" is all I could return.

Time and time and time....

We were friends, acquaintances, associates, and everything in-between, yet I said nothing more.

I enjoyed what we had and appreciated what may be.

And yet the day came when the eventual,

Kind,

Polite,

And confused,

Declination came.

So still at night I wonder, how foolish could I have been to think

Those very thoughts would tie you to me, as my soulmate?

Yet still at night I wonder, what would it have taken to hear yes

From what once was maybe.