chapter twenty two

The wrinkles on her face deepen in concentration, her blue eyes closed as I watch. Her room is nothing special: covered in red from ceiling to floor, adorned here and there with black details. Candles burn all around the room, making the air take a sweet, almost sugary smell. She is a small woman, the coat wrapped around her shoulders threatening to engulf her in a black abyss. Her voice is quiet, weathering with age and many fates.

“You’re getting married soon,” she whispers, trailing her fingers across my palm. My instinct is to shrink but the lady in me bleeds through, keeping my spine straight as I listen. “But there’s something in your past making you feel guilty about it. Better yet, someone.”

I swallow. She has no possible way of knowing of Logan. But she’s right. Blinking a few times through the fog from the candles, I listen to her breathing. I force mine to keep her synchrony.

“Though you want a happy marriage, it’ll be anything but. Your union will be clouded with anxiety, chaos, and turbulence.”

My heart drops, but I will myself not to let my emotions show in front of this woman. Thousands of questions flutter in my mind, my hand finally quivering under her bony fingers. She spares a kind smile. It does nothing to warm my insides.

“Is someone getting hurt?”

Odin warned me about this. In his eyes, it is a waste of time, trusting women who have had years of practice and expertisescamming people. But I can’t live in the uncertainty hanging in the air every day of my life. I need answers, even if they’re fake ones. I want to prepare myself, especially after Bridgit’s threat. Maybe a trap of its own, but the words of this woman speak to me in hushed whispers.

Relinquish of power.

Father’s death. Everything I believed in crumbling like sandcastles against the waves.

She takes a minute, focusing on something I can’t see. Maybe something that doesn’t even exist. “Not someone you know, no. The unrest among people will be calm for a while, but it is the peace coming before a storm.”

Did my dad really think she was reliable enough to put his trust in her?

She was right the first time. She almost predicted my father’s death.

Will she predict mine?

Her chest shudders as she takes a staggering breath. My lungs deflate.

“There’s a hidden truth—I can’t see it very clearly—but that piece of information can build you up or tear you down.” She opens her eyes slowly, eyeing me. “Anything else you wish to know?”

I pull my hand from hers, tucking it under my armpit, bowing my head.

“Through all of this, will my brother be safe?” I care for this answer more than anything she’s told me, though I make sure to write her words on my brain to dissect them later.

She tips her head to the side. She could pass for an innocent granny anytime. Her abilities are something a rational queenwouldn’t rely on. Luckily, I’m anything but rational. “You can say so, yes.”

I nod briskly. “This thing I don’t know... is someone keeping it a secret from me?” I clear my throat. “The—the council?”

No hesitation in her thin, velvety voice. “Yes, someone decided not to share the information with you to keep you safe, but the council had no say in it.”

I stare into her blue eyes, trying to see beyond them. Unfortunately, she wears her years proudly, creating a barrier to stop me from seeing what lies beneath. “You spoke once to father. A while ago. Did you—was there any way to know he’d—he’d leave?”

Her eyes soften, and her tone wavers as she stumbles through the words.

Pity and shame flicker like flames in her eyes. “I saw something. A little boy in my vision. Blue eyes. I had no idea what it meant at the time, but the domino effect was what brought about his doom. Had I known, I would’ve warned him, my Queen.”

With a gasp, I realize she saw the kid I saved. Dylan. My eyes flood as I blink hateful tears away.

But she didn’t warn him.

The next question doesn’t dare leave my lips. I doubt I truly want to know, but the thought is there, in my blood, in the back of my brain.

How close am I to my final days?

The days leading up to my wedding are filled with blurry, unconscious decisions and the time ticking by way too fast. A talk with Aunt yesterday assured me the rebels wouldn’t get through our security. I did little to believe her. After all, she’d proven time and time again she wasn’t on my side.

I didn’t fear for my life. She wouldn’t hurt me. All she wanted was my country, but for now, her only purpose here was seeing her niece getting married to a potential ally of her crown.

Fear and eagerness made their way to my veins, making the days feel like years and seconds all at the same time. The predictions of the seer did little to quench my fears. They spread like wildfire.

Part of me knew I wasn’t ready for the wedding. I care for Odin, more than I liked to admit, but whether I like to admit it or not, Bridgit was right; I’m not a woman yet. The girl in me is afraid to surrender myself to Odin on our wedding night. I’m not an angel, I did certain things with Logan ladies shouldn’t do based on men’s standards, but what Odin and I would eventually have to do surpassed it all. The thrill and a flush enveloped me whenever I thought of it.

Lucas and Duncan had a talk with me the day before Lucas’ wedding, and I remember bits and pieces of it as I spun in mybrother’s arms the night of the party. He seemed happy, relaxed, even a light color coated his cheeks. I allowed myself to feel nostalgic for a bit. The boy I used to run around the castle with was becoming a man before my eyes, and he had gotten married to protect me. The love I felt for him reached its peak on the dance floor, and I swore to anyone who was listening above I would take care of him, no matter how much I had to lose.

The wedding itself was small, decent and more luxurious than most. More than that, it was everything I wished mom and dad had seen. The garden was surrounded by a red and brown structure— the rain had decided to pour at the last minute. Flowers, red and orange, just the shades of Chloesa’s hair, littered the grass, smelling almost angelical. She looked stunning too. Her hair was pulled up back with the veil, and the dress’ tail occupied the entirety of the descending steps at the front gates of the castle. Her mother did a peculiar job at planning a wedding in such short notice. Her family was there, the knot tied in the witness of the court and the broadcast happening in Toyar.

The event was broadcasted around all Alemiss too, though the party was just for us royals to witness. I gave a speech. This time, with the threat and the seer’s words echoing in my mind, I allowed the council to write it for me, trusting Duncan’s wisdom to say the things my people needed to hear. My head was just elsewhere, and I felt like if I had to add to my to-do list making a speech, I’d eventually collapse. I read the speech, the words blurring, meaningless. Something along the lines of how successful our meeting had been, how the decrees were important, but we appreciated their concerns. How I was eager to marry the man next to me. That’s all I recall. I was eager. Sort of. I was also scared.

Maybe it was the thrill and fear combined, but it made me wish father and mother could’ve been there. If mother were still here, she’d make sure I knew what I was getting myself into and she’d hold my hand in the process.

“What’s in that little, chaotic head of yours?” Lucas poked my crown jokingly as we spun around the dance floor. He followed my steps easily in swift synchrony. Chloesa wasn’t far behind, Odin’s arms wrapped tightly around her small waist.

I smiled up at my brother. Any other day I would’ve kept the thoughts to myself, but I knew without a doubt he was thinking about mother too.

The telltale signs were there. Wavering eyes, darting from the crowd to me and back again. The thought of mother provided strength both of us needed desperately. “I’m thinking about mom.” He nodded once, understanding the meaning behind the words. “How I’m not ready to get married.”

He chuckled, shaking his head, a gesture that made him look like my father. The ache ebbed that moment, only to come back with a resounding crack, wobbling my knees. He didn’t notice. “It isn’t all bad. I mean sure, everyone’s looking at you hoping you mess it up, but ignoring it, there’s not much difference. You’re just signing up another paper like the royal you are.”

I could see the truth behind his words, but it didn’t make me feel less unsettled. Even less comfort I found when Logan showed up. I took my time seizing him up from afar, staring at Lucas and me as we moved elegantly through the dance floor. Whenever my eyes met his, he’d bow his head, ashamed. Finally, he’d mustered up the courage to approach. I didn’t want to listen. I silently pleaded Lucas to say no. But the girl getting married in less than a week needed this closure. Odin would understand.

“Mind if I steal your sister for a dance?” I immediately looked around the room. I didn’t want Odin to see. Lucas taunted my reaction, squeezing my back in silent comprehension. Logan looked strikingly handsome in the black suit; gray eyes focused on my dress. I felt hot under his gaze, dropping Lucas’ shoulders with ease.

“Of course,” Lucas said, smiling towards a happy, glistering Chloesa. At least he is happy, I repeated myself.

Logan’s grip on me was soft, too careful. “Hi.”

I remember staring at him, hating myself for the way my heart hammered without my authorization. I took my time answering, writing him on the walls of my mind, drinking him in. I was sure he was doing the same. His steps faltered a bit, no match to Lucas’ protocol lessons, but they resonated with me, reminding me of chases given under moonlight and days spent soaked on the fountain.

“Hey.”

“Tomorrow’s the big day, huh?” His tone was light, cautious. Smiling, I willed my eyes to part from his while I nodded. “It is.”

I searched for his eyes though, trying to send a message. “I don’t feel like fighting tonight, Logan.”

“Neither do I,” he agreed, shifting his weight. “I came here to wish you the best. I hope you learn how to love him.”

Swallowing the sudden knot in my throat, I nodded again. This was the final departure, everything I had dreaded and wanted tangled in a moment I knew I’d never get back. It hurt to let him go. Because that’s what the dance meant. Surrendering the little girl in me, burying her six feet under. “Thank you.”

“Are you a hundred percent sure about this?” I knew he was asking just to be polite, but part of me wished he really did care. Part of me wanted to remember our hasty plans to run away together, seek shelter in Nalyn, change our names and leave the court behind. Those thoughts now seem infantile, stupid. So far away.

I sidestepped the question. “I don’t have another choice, Logan.”

He grimaced, staring off to some spot over my shoulder. Odin, I realized, Logan’s features twisting to a scowl. “Have you changed your mind about your... order?”

I hadn’t. And I wouldn’t. Had I known how things would turn out, maybe I would have. I would’ve begged for him to leave, ushered him out the castle myself. But I wasn’t ready. I told myself I’d be happy watching him looming in the corners of the castle, far away not to touch him, close enough to remember him. Even now, with my heart struggling against a warrior’s charm, I still needed him.

“No.” I smiled, pushing him away softly. “I need you here. Stop being so selfish, Logan.” Ironic, all of it. He was obeying the rules of a queen he despised, not the girl he loved. He had no choice.

Before he had the chance to answer, Odin touched my bare shoulder. I would recognize his warmth anywhere. His tone cut through steel.

Logan’s hands fell from my body in a jolt. Not bothering to be polite in the slightest, Odin leaned into me, his lips brushing against my ear, a display of affection for Logan to see. “Are you busy?” he asked, ignoring Logan as he placed a paper on the palm of my hand. “I found this in your room.”

An envelope.

My mother’s handwriting.

I gave what I hoped passed as an apologetic smile to Logan.

“Have fun,” I told him. That’s what he needed to hear. Not that I loved him, not that I wanted him to spin me around the dance floor till the night was gone.

Looking up at Odin, I fixed him a stare. Back off, it said, but the words died on my throat as I swallowed. “Thank you.”

Needless to say, I looked for a place where I could be alone before gathering the courage to open it.

The letter remained on my limp hand for minutes. It eyed me, daring me to open it. But once I did, mother’s words would be new for once and then disappear again. I wondered briefly if I would ever hear her clear voice again. Not the misconstrued version my mind had created, but her voice, her stealth.

With the last bit of strength I could muster, I tore the envelope open, hands quivering. Her voice filled my ears, the ache on my chest lessening.

Dearest Alexandra

We, queens, always must have a contingency plan, don’t we? In case you’re reading this, you’re close enough to your wedding.

My eyes watered, and I sobbed lightly. Odin must’ve read the words, too, but at that moment, I couldn’t bring myself to care as I scanned the paper. Right now, mother was back, beside me.

Mother, not the queen, the monarch, the woman with a crown. My mother.

I believe you are nervous. Scared. Anxious. Thrilled? I felt all those emotions before you, honey, but we have one thing separating us. Power runs through your veins, all your own, when it never did through mine. You’re a queen, with or without your husband, remember it. Yes, it’s new, and it’ll be weird for a while. Hard to get used to. But if God answers my prayers, it’ll be one of the most beautiful days of your life.

I pray you love him as much as I love your father, and for the love to give you the strength you need to continue with this duty, not only to your people but to you and your future heirs.

Though I wish I could’ve been there for you, there’s no doubt you’ll do great, look beautiful while you’re at it. I can almost see your defiant face and puffy cheeks as you walk down the aisle. Remain strong, love. I’m there even when you can’t see me.

Bliss Deline Coltrane.

Somehow, the hole in my heart grew and decreased at the same time.

If I didn’t admit it before, I had to now. The Alexandra she knew treasured the words, but the Alexandra who was about to walk down the altar used them as a shield. A memory of what she once had been.

A reminder of what she could no longer afford.

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i cant believe this is the last chapter before the epilogue! what do you think? if you've read this far, thank you so so much! let me know if you'd like to be tagged on the final part + if you're excited for book two

thank you so much for reading

-goldenmel