mother

so you’ve backed me into a corner,

now what?

i’ll lunge at you and shatter your bones.

Yes?

Did you expect me to tear through the walls behind me?

you laugh and laugh, why does it tear a hole of despair in me?

i force my fists into your face and leave a painting of red

and black and purple

i can feel your bones fracturing

but these tears don’t stop and i don’t know why

i grasp your shoulders desperately

shaking, screaming,

“LOOK AT ME. CAN YOU SEE ME?

“I CAN'T FIND MYSELF, HELP ME FIND MYSELF.”

i reach into my chest to rip out my heart that’s been hurting

for so long

FOR SO LONG

to find

i ask you what i am and you reply

with a smile that kills me.

“You’re this this and this.”

how can you answer so confidently?

i ask without asking.

“hey, i need to get something off my chest,” i say.

“sure!”

then you sew my lips shut.

okay, i get it.

i’m just a stupid useless child and i understand nothing.

i’ll drop to my knees

and bruise my forehead.

does this make you happy?

i’ll hold your hand even

though it burns through what i am.

does this make you forget the wounds on my face?

no?

i’ll become everything i never fucking was for your sake

lose myself in myself so you can pick and choose

the parts you want me to be

i’ll rip open my fucking guts and you can take my lungs and blood and

feelings, doesn’t matter.

doesn’t matter.

and then finally i shatter into a million pieces because

i don’t know i don’t know

you stand right there and i think you see me

for the first time

and i get so hopeful because maybe

maybe maybe maybe

JUST MAYBE

you’ll finally see the red lines you left on my wrists

you see me

you finally see me

but then you tilt your head

and you

walk away.