It’s all been far too much.

Sometimes, my brain gets sort of all stuffed up. Too much of everything quick and cheap; none of that healthy, whole grain happiness insight. It's hard for me to get dressed without a youtube video playing in the background, some stupid video I've seen in other forms a thousand times in a row. Sometimes when I'm feeling strong-willed I get disgusted with it and turn it off, clicking the power button harder than nessacary.

I have all these new friends. We had a sleepover, but there were no deep moments of real intimacy to me, I just felt like a performer. It's not like I have to pretend to be happy or something. because I am. Just like what I'm saying isn't what I'm thinking. I feel like my thoughts fly out from under me. I think about them later, and can't even remember if I told huge lies or what I said about my childhood. It's almost like my ability to think is gone, Maybe it's as simple as putting the black box down. But then what?

When I put everything away is when I realize how fucking sick I am. Guys, something is really not right. I've told my friends, but I immediately downplay it. I even faked having a panic attack at my new best friend's house, to prove to her it wasn't that bad. But it is. It really really is.

It's not something normal, and it's not cliche, which makes it worse for me because no one has ever mentioned feeling like this. But I have to put it out there somewhere so someone can at least fakely relate. This post isn't going to be cutely crafted like all these others because I need you to feel the urgency, I need you to feel my heart rate rising.

It started one day at work. A panic attack out of nowhere. I'm not a usually anxious person, at all. I'm suave and cool, I promise. But suddenly I was scribbling crazy words on receipt paper feeling dizzy, wondering if I should call the police or a smart therapist with good glasses. I managed the get through it but it did something to me.

Things started to feel like they weren't happening. It's hard to explain when I'm not stuck in the mindset currently, but I'll do my best. It's like, I look around, and people talk to me, but it's really hard for me to react to what they are saying because I feel like no matter what I say, I'll get the same response or a highly predictable one. It feels like I'm the only one in the whole world. This feeling of permanent isolation so petrifying it makes me understand suicide. Because this is the problem: there is no one who can save me from going crazy.

This what happens:

1. Some thought makes me think I'm not real, or that someone else is controlling what I do and say. And then I think everyone else is being controlled like me.

2. I keep having repeating thoughts that confirm it, like walking downstairs and then thinking to myself "how did I just do that?"

3. Everything everyone says or does become meaningless.

4. The panic starts that I'll be stuck like that, and that's when I start breathing heavy.

5. The thoughts in my head get so loud I can hear them and cant make them go away, and I can't find any valid distraction.

6. It gets so bad that I called the suicide hotline once, the lady answered and said "hello? are you ok?" and I immediately thought she was a fake person and hung up the phone.

The problem with how I feel is that it keeps getting worse and I don't know how to get out of it when it happens. My goddamn therapist downplays it with an "ellen your not going crazy, you just need to breathe through it."

I feel like I'm getting more insane every day.

At first, it was happening like every 2 weeks, now every 2-3 days. I feel like it's gonna grab me and steal me, and it's just a matter of time. I don't think I'm going to kill myself, but when I'm in that headspace it feels like I'm never gonna get out, and if I got stuck in it for a week straight, I can definitely understand why I would. I would try and tell someone first, but then again would I? Because if I think they aren't real or can't relate to me in any way, why would I care if they "care"? I don't know what happened to me. Even if I scream for help it's like I'm in outer space.

My mom knows, but she fucking hates me for it. She thinks I'm faking it. I wish to FUCK I was. I woke up this morning at 5 am and didn't recognize my own face in the mirror!

Every time I look at myself I get scared. It's like I'm in a state of existential crisis all the time, and it feels like I'm constantly dying. I'm supposed to get medicine soon, but what about when that doesn't work? I start to not recognize myself or hear my own voice or know what I'm saying when I'm talking. It's like I'm not me, or I'm possessed or something. I don't know what to do. I've never felt like this before. Ever. I feel like the world is a set, and I'm just acting in it. NOTHING FEELS REAL.

It's all been far too much.