Snow and the Seven Defenders

Once upon a time, in the far away kingdom of TrinaLand, the king and his wife, the queen, did what people who are in love - or not - do and the queen found herself in the monarchy way. One day while heavily knocked-up, Queen Karyssa was out in the garden, when she pricked her finger, which dropped blood upon the snow-covered ground, thereby prompting her to wish for a daughter with skin as white as snow, lips as red as a ruby, and raven-black hair.

Months later, a fair female child was born and true to the queen’s wishes, she had skin as white as snow, lips as red as a ruby, and raven-black hair. She was thus named Snow White. Sadly, when Snow was but a tot, Queen Karyssa was killed when she ate some tainted shrimp that the royal taster had forgotten to test. In due time, King Marshall remarried, thereby making Queen Lyndora Snow’s stepmother. Even though Snow missed her birth mother, she accepted the new queen and for a time, all was well. Then, the teen years hit.

When Snow turned 15, she saw a tattoo on one of her handmaidens and got it in her head that she wanted one, too. Her parents thought otherwise:

“You are too young for a body marking, Snow! Who ever put such an idea in your head?” asked the king.

“I agree, dear. Why ever would you want to mar such perfect skin?” the queen chimed in. “I do believe that your dear birth mother, may she rest well, had even wished for you to have such a flawless covering.”

“They’re cool!” Snow asserted, stomping one dainty foot. “I can have our crest engraved on my upper arm and show it off forevermore.”

“No, and that is final...Now be a good dear and go tend to your garden. The crabgrass is looking a little too crabby,” the king dismissed his daughter.

Undaunted, Snow hatched a plan and that very night, she had one of the stable boys, who was hankering for some Snowcone, kill her father in his sleep and drag her stepmother into a dungeon, after drugging the guards.

The next morning, Snow tearfully shared the news of her parents’ death with the court and was crowned Queen Snow White. She got her first tattoo that night.

Within the year, Queen Snow White had turned goth and changed her name to Q. Snow Dark. She sported nine inch nails, blackened lips, and a crown made of black thistles which sat atop long, ruby-tipped locs. She also demanded that her song - created by the Royal D.J. - be played when she entered a room after the Royal Announcer announced her name. She giggled that it sounded like, “Cue Snow Dark” just before she pranced in.

As time went on, Q.Snow Dark’s demeanor grew darker and darker, and the peasants suffered. She gave scant attention to their needs and requests, preferring to spend her time further decorating her skin.

Finally, her council-people felt like they had to take matters into their own hands, and a secret meeting was called.

Sir Gresham took the pipe out of his puckered mouth and called the room to order. “Countrymen - and women - I fear things have gotten a bit out of hand. Queen Snow Dark has put our realm into a precarious predicament. If she is not dethroned, we will surely all perish.”

The room applauded, and Sir McCoy spoke up, strumming on his lyre the whole while. “I suggest that rather than us getting our own hands dirty, we hire someone to complete the job. Queen Snow does have her supporters still, so it won’t be an easy task.”

Sir Matthews cleared his voice and stood halfway up, supported by his wooden leg, before addressing the room. “I know some...er...small men...erm...who may be able to do the job. What they lack in stature, they make up for in ingenuity.”

After a bit more discussion, it was agreed upon that the court would call for the “small men” and bid them to accomplish this task.

One week later, Hammer, Claw, Tooth, Nail, Dust, Torch, and Wrecker met with the council in their next clandestine meeting.

“Why have you brought us here?!” Hammer demanded. He was, indeed, quite short, but he was also stocky with prominent veins running through his arms. His pinched face was nearly hidden by his long brown locks, which he carelessly pushed back from his forehead.

Sir Matthews spoke up. “I ASKED you to come because we have a job for you. Pays in carbon.” He struck a match on his leg, lit a blunt, and started smoking.

That got the shorsters’ attention. After a moment, blonde-headed Wrecker spoke. “And just what IS this job?”

Sir McCoy didn’t beat around the bush. “We need you to dethrone the queen.” He plucked a note on his lyre then pointed at them.

“Uh...depose Queen Snow?!” redheaded twins Tooth and Nail exclaimed, their overbites on display.

“Yes. I know you’re not aware of it in your little hovel,” Sir Gresham ignored Hammer’s twin Claw’s withering glare and continued, “but the sweet little girl the realm once admired is long gone, replaced by a conceited and uncaring harridan.”

Another uncomfortable silence followed before Dust asked, “And when the dust...ha-ha! Dust! Get it?” He looked around. “Pfffft. No humor-loving guffs, here!... As I was saying, when the DUST clears, then what?” He sat back down, and a puff of dust arose from his dirty pants.

“It makes no difference to us. Just see to it that she never returns to the throne.”

Torch nodded thoughtfully, rubbed one blue eye, and the meeting continued.

==============================================

Weeks passed and Q. Snow grew worse. Just as the court was planning to request the defenders’ presence again, they made their move.

The queen was at her favorite tattoo cavern, impatiently waiting for the artist, Squid. She looked at the small man who entered. “You’re not Squid!”

“And you’re not queen anymore!” the brunette declared and threw a bag over Snow’s head. She managed to let out a shriek, and her guards and henchmaidens came running. A fight that the narrator was too lazy to detail ensued, and Snow found herself gagged and tied up in a wagon going through the woods.

Finally arriving at their quaint little home, the men carried her in and laid her on a bed of straw. Taking the gag from her mouth, Hammer warned her not to speak, lest he cut out her tongue.

Glaring, she bit her bottom lip and impatiently listened to the little man.

“My name is Hammer, and these are my broskies, Claw - he’s my actual bro - Tooth and Nail, Dust, Torch, and Wrecker.” Each man bowed as his name was called. Dust also gave a little wave before Torch glared at him.

Claw picked up where his lookalike left off. “And we’re your new owners. You will do as we say and if you behave, in due time, we will allow you to own your very own home in these here woods.”

Incredulous, Snow yelled, “Do you KNOW who-”

“Someone who’s gonna be without a tongue, if you keep that up!”

Snow snapped her mouth closed and allowed Claw to finish.

“As I was saying, you will do as we say. You will make our meals, wash our clothes, and clean our home. If you try to escape, you will be caught and ravaged.” He licked his lips lasciviously. “Understand?”

Snow nodded, but of course she didn’t mean it.

A week or so later, while she was outside washing the clothes and plotting her escape, a handsome young man came along. He was taken away by Snow’s black hair and lips, so he introduced himself. She advised that she was Queen Snow and that she’d been kidnapped and forced to perform hard labor.

“Aaaaaah. Yes, I did hear about that. I do believe Queen Lyndora has retaken her throne. But, I am Prince Cillian, and I can take you to my home one realm over, where you can be my queen. Agreed?”

Snow readily agreed and after the young man paid off the defenders, they did, too.

Unfortunately for Snow, the “Prince” was actually an escapee from the loony bin, so shortly after the couple had crossed over to BernieLand, he was recaptured. When Snow protested that she was really the queen of the realm next door, she too was locked up and diagnosed with delusions, and there she still lives.

And what became of the defenders? They got their weights in carbon and are living

Happily Ever After.

The End