april 27,

nightmares twisting you / between sleep / and awake // and the words the people / say in your mind / stay with you / on through the day // until you can hear those same words / in the voices of your loved / ones, and you // retract yourself right on in / closer to the wall and / the concrete of your floor // you promise not to speak unless / spoken to, like he used / to tell you when he said / you were being stupid // you promise / you promise / you promise and you promise, / and you feel a careful / sort of empty when your / mom asks you how your doing / or your best friend wishes you well / or your sister tells you she / loves you, more than all the / narwhals in the sea / or when a friend says he isn't / annoyed // you feel a careful sort of shattering / when you reply / like you are lying to the sorrows / in your mind / saying that you are only responding / but you feel like / an impostor when you speak // you feel he wouldn't approve / in your 'following' / of his directions // you feel he'd tell you you / weren't trying hard enough / and he'd ask you if you / really cared at all about what he said / you can hear him tell you / that if you really where his / granddaughter / and if you really truly cared about him / that you would listen // so you refrain from asking the question / of 'are we still okay?' / to your friend / who isn't annoyed / and you refrain from talking about / the nightmares plaguing your sleep / to your mom / or your best friend / and you type million-word poems / into channels you hope no one reads / but you / secretly hope someone sees // you hear him in your head / the words he says / and the smile he holds / the raised eyebrows, expectant / for your hearty nod // and you do, / you do, / you do, / you nod and say / that you'll try your best / only to speak / when spoken to / because you love him, don't you / (and you should) / (he whispers in your head) / (because that it was granddaughters do) / (they love their) / (grandpas) / you have not questioned the statement since / because what else have you known / except forced love from / a grandpa who says he cares /