may 6, 2020
I write out the memories, so I wont forget
I made a promise I don’t regret
Almost every day before she moved to Baltimore
She told me never to forget, and I promised and I swore
So when she passed away the promise took new meaning
For some time I failed when I was deeply grieving
But now I'm ready to be brave and share her story with the world
So if you read carefully I will share the story of a girl
I wish your hand was in mine so we could face this together
You were my best friend, we were better together
You kept making me promise never to forget you
It was an obsession that did not beset you
But every single time you asked, I promised on my life
And when you passed away, it twisted the knife
Some of me wished to forget, put the promise to rest
Most of me wanted to honor you, and your last wish
People kept hugging me, or offering to talk with me
I always declined, I was not ready
I found resolve in writing what I was feeling
At first it was just jumbles of anguish and grieving
But eventually I started writing out her story
The story only I can tell, in her memory
People just moved on like it was no big deal
Like it never happened, like I will heal
But there is a crack running straight through my head
Everything I see or think reminds me that your dead
People around me have just sort of moved on
No longer pretending to be sorry that your gone
They no longer talk quietly behind my back
They no longer question my anxiety attacks
They stopped staring when I slam my head against the wall
They stopped talking when I curl up in a ball
Oh how I wish you were here, with your hand in mine
Together we could pretend everything is fine
Some days I feel you by my side
Right before you died, you wished to be a guardian
And I feel your presence now, helping me write these words
She flashes me a smile, and disappears in a blur
You drop in on me sometimes,
Watching me do my homework or play with my pet snail
Whenever I write it's like she comes and watches
She feeds me the words, and I write the memories
I feel this warm flair in my chest whenever she appears
I used to think it was anxiety, now I know it means your here
She sits on my bed, then flops onto her back
She studies my dresses, pointing out her favorites
She sits next to me, whispers in my ear
Tells me that when I need her, she will be here