NOT Sorry for Leaving

I’m not sorry I left him, there’s not one molecule in my body, not one slither of DNA that will ever be sorry for that. I am sorry that it has caused you pain, but it didn’t have to be this way. It could have been different. Sure, it would have still broken your heart, but it didn’t have to be mangled, torn, and shredded to pieces; causing you to bleed out wherever you go. No, it didn’t have to be this way, but I’m still not sorry I left.

I’ve tried to keep quiet and allow you to see the truth for yourself, but my love I can’t do it anymore. I will not continue to be mentality and emotional abused by a kid that’s being slowly indoctrinated and manipulated with lies. If I wait any longer, you’ll be too far gone for you to ever see the truth.

Please know this, I tried harder than you will ever understand to make it work. For over 10 years I stayed and pretended to be someone I wasn’t, because I was weak and scared. I was weak and scared because I had be told that no one else would ever “put up” with me. I was told that I wasn’t good enough for my job, any of them... as a business woman, entrepreneur, mother or a wife. That I could never do it on my own, that I needed him. I was beaten down and manipulated by my own creation.

I help to build him into a monster, Frankenstein. I encouraged and supported him, I helped him to believe that he could do anything, because I believed that he could. I helped him find his voice and helped him out of his broken shell. I held his hand and healed is wounds and I made him step into a role he didn’t have the balls to step into otherwise. Ask him, he sure as hell used to admit it, because it’s the truth. I made the big decisions, when to buy a home when to sell it, when to ask for a raise when to demand respect. I’m the one who took care of school, the house and for the majority of the time the inside and out. Yet, he hated the fact that I wasn’t baking cookies and a gourmet meal wasn’t on the table every night. He hated when I worked, because I couldn’t keep up with you guys and the house to his liking. He loathed me being home, because he resented me having the opportunity and he didn’t. He was jealous of me, he was lazy and he didn’t want me to believe in myself. You know why, because he knew my worth and he was scared to death that if I had confidence I’d leave. You know how I know that, because he told me all the time he was glad I was insecure because he knew I’d never leave. I believed once that, that meant he loved me. Only now I know that was his fear of being alone, not love for me.

Yep, I resented him for all of it! I resented in him for not having faith in me, for beating me down every chance he got. He stopped believing in me, he stopped listening or hearing me. He never wanted me to succeed. When something went down I had to stand up and handle it. I had to be the man and the woman of the house and yes, I didn’t always excel playing both of those roles while being belittled at every turn. I begged him to see me for me, for years I explained in detail everything I needed and it fell upon deaf ears. I was ignored while screaming to be understood and he did nothing to fix it. You know why, because he NEVER ever believed that I would ever be strong enough to leave.

Well, he was wrong and I told him I would, yet he still didn’t believe me. He thought I could be pacified by material things and for a while I was. I thought that would fill the void I held inside, but I knew in my heart it was all a lie. In his eyes my worth, anyone’s worth for that matter, was solely based on how much money they brought home. A far cry from the humble man I married. Everything became a superficial competition and self-worth began being measured by how many figures were on your check stub. The topic of discussion amongst our “friends” was based on the first people to leave the room. I didn’t give a damn about any of it. Was there any wonder I was sick for almost our entire marriage and became healthy when I left? It was literally killing me.

I wanted a partner, a man to make me feel safe and protected. I wanted to build him up so that he would lead me and I would willingly and submissively follow him. I wanted to live life not in competition with each other but in partnership. Instead we became groundhogs day and a total cliché, we had become what I never wanted to be. I could no longer take it, walking into that house, felt like the oxygen was being sucked out of my body.

He lost me when he told me a lot of things, but one was that they had chosen the wrong person for the job, the nail in the coffin is when he walked out the door assuming me to something I’m incapable of ever being, and the day I left was the last day he would ever ignore me and pretend I wasn’t there, and I’m not sorry.

The only thing I am sorry about is keeping my mouth shut and taking the blame for everything. I got all the disrespect, bashing, and hate from everyone. I bowed out and took all the blame. I did that because at the time I didn’t have the words, but God have me the strength he knew your dad never had. He gave me nothing, that wasn’t rightfully mine, I left a whole lot behind. It was worth it to me to let him have it and be done with him. There’s nothing wrong with wanting nice things, money or even status, that is until those things start to measure your self-worth. All, I own fits inside a 10 x 10 storage shed and if I lost it all tomorrow, my soul would still be at peace, because I know what really matters. So, when you make fun of me because I turned in my fancy QX80 for a paid off Highlander, that was gift from my sister. It makes me sad, not for me, but for you my love, because he got to you before I could show you what things really matter in life. He is a coward for wanting you to hate me, because he doesn’t want you to know my worth, because then you might leave him too. You have been sent unknowingly, on a mission to try your best to dim my light, because that would reveal his greedy and vindictive, manipulative, and narcissistic ways, and that my Love scares the hell out of him... and it should because one day it will.

When I left I had some major healing to do. I had to dig really deep inside of myself to muster the courage to move forward despite the fact that I had little to no confidence in myself. I was called by God to preform a job a duty and yes it was scary, but totally worth it. I could breathe again for the first time in years! It was best for you guys to stay in the house bc of school etc. I had no clue what I was doing other than just taking it one day at a time. I know it may have made you feel like I left you too, but it was just the best option I had.

I never professed to be perfect, however; I find it pointless to describe all my faults, as you seem to be quite sure of the assumptions you’ve already gathered about me. I’m not sorry for anything I ever did, right or wrong. I regret nothing, because I am happy now knowing who I am and living my truth. It kills him to see me so happy with nothing, while he has to fold paper money to fake his own smile. Love, happiness, and joy are things that can never be bought. They are earned through mutual respect and belief in yourself and someone else, if you lose that respect or believe in yourself or another, the love, happiness, and joy you once had will be lost as well. If they are temporarily gained through manipulation, they will always find away to be freed from what confines them. So listen when I say, love yourself first and when you love another do so with respect and belief in your heart. If you don’t have that then, you will keep love, happiness and joy in your life. I don’t hate him, I don’t hold hate in my heart for anyone. I’m just disappointed in who he turned out to be. I hope that one day when you’re old enough to see through the veil of illusion that you’ll understand why I did what I did, but know this I am not sorry and I will never be sorry for leaving.