what if

what if. two small words that when put together become so powerful.

I recently read an article discussing what a what if person is. It is the one person you consistently ask yourself "what if i told them how i felt? what if we gave it a chance? what if? what if? what if?" while reading the definition i immediatley thought of you.

For years i've tried erasing these thoughts, these feelings i get when someone even mentions your name or an aspect that reminds me of you. most people can move on from somebody because they had something tangible to move on from. but i don't. i never did. and i most likely never will. when trying to move on people will get rid of anything that had to do with the person. The only thing i have from you is the memories, the love for poetry you inscribed within me, the late night conversations where you helped me work through my problems. I would outwardly smile when hearing your voice over the phone then inwardly crumble as i heard the other voices in the background. the voices reminding me i was only a small part of your life and that was all i was ever going to be. i was never going to be a big part of it even in terms of friends. years have passed, we don't talk and yet i still think of you. i thought i was getting better, i thought i was moving on but then you'd appear in a dream or on a breeze like whisp of a memory. Other people can move on because they know it didn't work out but how can i if we never tried. how am i supposed to let you go when i never held you. why should i have your prints on my heart when none of my fingers have barely touched yours. how could i tell you how i felt when i know you will never feel the same. when i knew i will never be a what if in your mind.