Decisions...

Making decisions has never been difficult for me. Since I can remember, when given options or life choices, I simply choose the direction and proceed down that path - never looking back. That is until about a year ago, decisions haven't seemed so black and white and I find myself constantly debating and lamenting over which way to go, only to regret which ever way I choose. Even worse, regretting the choices I made in the past that I previously pursued boldly without any doubt.

In my superficial senses I know there is no use in looking back and harvesting regret, yet it seems unavoidable in my deeper conscience. My regrets stem from my decisions and how I've made them. These are the ones that I regret most:

#1.) Forming a pill dependency at the ripe age of 17, longing for a skinnier waste line. Over a decade later, without my little pills I am lifeless though they no longer curve my appetite as they once did. They've become a part of my human make up, serving no other purpose than to make me as I would be before without them. Unless I take more than I should that is. Which of course I do because I'm vain above all else. Not only has this habit depleted my bank account but my poor little heart won't take much more of the constant abuse with prescribed amphetamines. And when I lie awake at night unable to sleep, I think about nothing but how this will be my end. All for nothing but a distorted perception of beauty that logic doesn't seem to shake.

#2.) alcohol. It's replaced everything that used to bring me natural joy. Once upon a time, the thought of adventures and traveling, experiencing new things, surfing and skating, spending time with good people, writing, art, love, family, future pursuits, these things would drive me and make me feel full. Somehow they've turned into burdens lightened only by the sweet taste of liquor, numbing my body and soul, making it all bearable. On paper I can see how wrong I am, but in my soul I feel nothing without my fix, my demise.

There's many other things but I've got no time to put them down. Nor do I really want to fixate on all the things I've done wrong. It's rather unsettling. And these words make them more real so I'll leave it at that and hope that my next decisions will be better ones.