Does This Bug You: Three Tales of Insect Encounters

I. The Blue Beetle

When I was younger, I would go on trips to visit family. They lived eight hours away, so we only really visited on holidays. On one such trip, I was struggling to fall asleep. As I lay there with my eyes closed, trying to sleep before we arrived, I felt something on my leg. Just a tiny little prickle. And when I opened my eyes, I saw a massive blue beetle crawling up my leg. Even though I'm not usually scared of bugs, this beetle freaked the shit outta me. So I screamed. And then... I woke up. No beetle. I had actually managed to get a bit of sleep... but at what cost?

I itched my legs for the rest of that car trip.

II. Hissing Cockroach

Ah yes, another beautiful story from my childhood. This story, as I like to introduce it, is the story of how I was raped by a cockroach. Or wait... maybe it was entirely consentual. Shit, that's worse. Nevermind. I'm just going to tell the story now.

Me and the other kids sat in a circle, watching the zookeeper. She smiled at us and said "Who wants to hold the hissing cockroach?" And me, being the bug-lover that I am, instantly raised my hand, even as everyone around me was making faces.

So I held the adorable guy in my hands. It was a hissing cockroach, which as you may know get pretty big. And me, with my tiny little kid hands, dropped the poor thing. This was very traumatizing for the little guy, who decided to seek shelter in the nearest safe place— my shorts. Honestly, this made me laugh more than anything. I was not scared of the bug. After all, I just dropped it. I understood that it was probably terrified of me.

The other kids, however, were absolutely horrified.

While the kids and the zookeeper stared at me in absolute shock, I calmly guided the bug out of my pants and back into safety.

Pretty sure I deserve a purple heart for that. Or maybe the cockroach deserves a purple heart, for surviving the battlefield of little kids. Maybe we both deserve an award.

As I walked out of the exhibit, I looked at my mom and said "Mama, I want a hissing cockroach as a pet."

III. "You Can't Smell."

There is nothing more terrifying than an elementary school bus. Jeering kids, motion sickness, and lonliness are all sure to await you.

My bus friends were absent that day, so I sat alone. As I sat, I saw a big, flying ant crawling up the window.

Now I happen to like creepy-crawlies. Ants, spiders, flies, moths, the list goes on. I love them all, and I make sure to save them from my cruel parents (who kill them whenever they enter my house) whenever possible.

So I saw this bug, and I thought: Huh. I wanna pick it up.

However, when I picked it up, the ant didn't seem to like it very much. So it bit me. Like, rude, man. I'm just trying to make a friend.

"Ow," I said.

Unfortunately, I said it too loudly. The person sitting behind me leaned over the seat.

"What happened?" she asked.

"An ant bit me," I said. It sounded kind of stupid, but it's the truth. I ain't gonna lie.

However, this girl didn't like that response.

"That's impossible," she says. I look at her like she just tried to fling me out a window (which, sadly, I believe is the fate that befell the poor ant).

"What are you talking about? Why?"

"Because," she says matter-of-factly. "You can't smell."

I snort. "Uh... I said I got bit by an ant. That has literally nothing to do with my sense of smell."

"Whatever. It's true."

"But... it has nothing to do with my sense of smell," I say. By now, the entire bus is looking at us, which is making me very uncomfortable. So I add on: "You're stupid," which is the best comeback my elementary-school brain can come up with.

To which she responds: "I know what I'm talking about. My parents are doctors."

And honestly, this is where my memory ends. I can't remember if I had a savage comeback at the time, or if I was too flustered by the other assholes on the bus. Either way, I know that there was no reasoning with her. Who knows where she is now?

I just pray she doesn't try to follow in her parent's footsteps. I don't think I would want someone that clueless operating on me.

THE END.