four

it hurts. every part of my body aches. i tried so hard this morning to get up out of bed, but it was so difficult without you there. i wanted you to hold me like you do when you're cold in the mornings. i wanted your gentle pecks and the way you say "good morning" in your tired morning voice. i wanted you humming a song in the bathroom while we got ready for work. i crave you and your time.

I walk through the door to see you sitting at the table, your head in your hands. From where I'm standing, I can't tell if you're crying or just tired. Walking closer, I can tell you're upset from the way your back curves out and your shoulders are drawn in. I rub the heels of my palms gently across your shoulder blades. You sigh heavily and raise your head to look back at me. Your eyes don't have their usual shine and the corners of your mouth are turned down, the dimples I love nowhere in sight. 

I rub your forehead, concerned when you don't say anything at all. You just close your eyes and lean into my touch, sighing again, just more softly. I sit down next to you and wrap my arms around your waist, side hugging you. I sense, more than see, you relax and lean against me. Before much longer, I can feel you start shaking and your breath getting irregular. I look up at you to see tears silently streaming down your face. You're pinching your lips together, trying not to make noise. When you see me looking at you, you bury your face in your hands once more. 

I try my best to let you know that I'm here, that you don't have to hide anything from me. I gently rub your back, I scratch the back of your scalp with my nails, I sit next to you, breathing softly so you know you can lean on me if you feel the need to. 

You slowly stop sobbing, becoming calmer and not shaking as much.

"Hey," I say quietly. I begin to think I didn't even say it out loud, with the lack of response I get. After a few moments, though, you turn and immediately wrap your arms around me, pulling me as close as you can get. Burying your face in my neck and shuddering, you hold me as we sit in silence. Your face is wet from crying and my shirt is starting to get uncomfortable, but I would go through anything for you.

"I don't know if I can keep pretending I'm okay," he whispers against my skin. "I don't know if I can keep lying."